Too much.

I don't know what's happened today. Any energy I usually have seemes to have been sucked out of me and sll I feel like I want to do is sit here and write about shit that's in my head. It's a beautiful day outside, the first for a while, but I just want to shut it out and pretend that the grey misery continues. It's hard to care in a mood like this, there's so many things I should be doing, things that I need to do, but I just don't care, and that scares me most of all. I've lived my whole life just wanting to do things to make people happy, to make them like me, and mostly I've fucked that up but it didn't mean that I felt any less bad for letting them down.

I had a dream last night that a person that I love very much betrayed me in quite a horrific way, and I woke up feeling so hurt, so alone, so miserable and scared. It was a fucking dream, I know it wasn't real, yet it still feels like I've had a burning hot poker stab me through the chest. Maybe it's my subconcious's way of trying to tell me it thinks that it's time for me to follow my usual pattern that results in me fucking up every good relationship I've ever been in. When I was 14 I was betrayed by somebody I trusted, I don't want to go into any more detail than thst, but ever since then every time I've let someone get close to me, or everytime I'm in a place where I'm actually happy, comfortable even, I do something to hurt that person, something that I know will ultimately fuck up that relationship. And everytime I hate myself more and more for hurting someone I love, for messing up something good in my life, for being the reason that I'm miserable. I always come to a few conclusions about why I do it; 1. I ultimately believe that I don't deserve to be happy, 2. I feel the need to hurt/betray someone I care about before they have the chance to do it to me and 3. I can only deal with it being me that make's me miserable, knowing that I can't blame anyone else for it. Everytime I say I wont do it again next time but this time it HAS to be different. I cannot fuck this up.

I guess the other reason I woke up in such a state was that I realised how unbelievably terrified I am of being alone.

I feel like the last couple of weeks I've been treading a fine line between being fine and exploding. Nothing changed, I'm still as happy and as comfortable, but for the last 3 months of my life there's been a huge thing missing. Something I've wanted to get rid of for the last 6 years; self-destructive tendencies. This is the first time since I was 14 that I've gone for so long without indulging in at least one of either cutting, restricting, binge/purging or daily binge drinking, and it's terrifying. I don't know how to release in a 'normal' or even non-destructive way. At first it felt great but now I've got to the stage that it's all built up into a big ball of destruction that I don't know how to get rid of. I hadn't realise how strong the pull to slip back into old habits was until today. I drank too much on Thursday and it didn't end well, I guess maybe that was it trying to get out but I just got mad at myself and slammed the door on it again. I'm scared of what it'll do.

Next thing on the list, my crazy relationship with my relationship. All of my relationships have been dysfunctional in some way, it's what attracted me to them. I have never done normal, it was always a running joke that I cant live without some drama going on, and unfortunately for the last 6 years that's been mostly true. I finaly don't want drama anymore, and up unti now that's been quite hard to prove as this relationship has consisted of a lot of it, but it's just made me more determined to get through that, to a place where we're both just happy. I've never known how to work a relationship properly, and at the moment I feel like I'm pushing too hard. I know I'm an impatient person, but I hate transferring that to this. I always want everything and I want it now, and I don't understand when people tell me that's not the way it works. I want to be able to enjoy the process, but at the moment I feel a crazy mixture of wanting to seize life with both hands and do everything I possibly can, and settling down. I cant seem to make the two parts match up, although weirdly they both seem to want the same things, but for different reasons. I gues i find it frustrating having to try and ignore both of them.

I know this post seems very scattered, it's just how my brain seems to be running at the moment. I'm trying to get out as much as I can but I cant type as fast as my brain is going and I'm still missing so much. I suddenly feel guilty for thinking that I can just be happy without the constant dealing with all the shit thats running through my head, and this is my punishment, the one time my head has time to have a think and it's all there at once. I feel so fucking overwhelmed, 3 months of negative thoughts all rushing into my head at once. My hands are itching to do something destructive, i hoped writing would help but there's just too much. I don't want to be this person anymore, I want to be better, stronger, more able to cope without help.

I don't want to self-destruct but I don't know another way.