Tip of the iceberg.

I feel trapped. Like I cant let this out. I cant even cry properly, yet it still hurts with such overwhelming force that sometimes I find it hard even to catch my breath. I guess ignoring it up til now had been working. Ignoring the fact that everytime I had a quiet second when my brain wasn’t occupied, or everytime I closed my eyes all those thoughts, all that pain and regret and guilt would be there. I think lying awake for hours last night broke that, I cant seem to ignore it any more. It’s just all there, constantly filling every single cell.

I knew that I wanted it, but I didn’t know how much I loved it already, how much a part of my life it had already become and how happy that made me. I cant yet even begin to understand how much of a failure I feel knowing that I’ve destroyed that. How, once again in my fucking useless existence, I wasn’t strong enough to stand up and fight for what I wanted. For my own fucking flesh and blood. I knew it’d never be easy, but nothing I’ve ever done has been easy. I guess making life difficult for myself is one of my defining characteristics, but at least this time I would’ve had something to show for it, something I’d be so proud of. Even typing this my words feel so cold but I guess that’s still slight self-preservation holding on. Outwardly at least, inwardly I’ve run through every tiny detail, I’ve played out every situation in my head just so I can hold onto it a little longer.

I want to talk, I want to scream, I want this not to be real. I want to wake up and it be Sunday night again and I’m strong enough to not do it. I cant live my life like this. Not again. But I cant forgive myself. I don’t deserve it. I hoped so much before that it would feel like the right thing to have done after I’d done it, but it doesn’t, it still feels so fucking wrong. And now all that’s left is guilt and regret and pain. I don’t want to live in this skin anymore. I don’t want to be the person that has done this, that feels like this. I just want out.