A long day.

Ugh, food. Food, food, food. I hate that it's everything, it's absolutely fucking everything. As I sit here I'm watching Masterchef, I've made food for myself which I've picked apart and is sitting next to me on the sofa, I know that there's so many things that in the kitchen that if I cave even for a second I'm going to end up shoving in my face.

I was doing well, I was doing so well. I'd lost weight, and I didn't even mean to, I'd just been so busy working and going to college and trying to set up a business and maintaining a relationship, friendship, family commitments, it was just so much and I felt like I was eating a lot but the weight just dropped off. At first when I realised how much my weight had dropped it triggered something within me and the old feelings flared up, I thought 'I haven't even been trying, how much weight could I lose if I actually tried!'. This was just before Christmas and for a few weeks I starved and I dropped, and then it was the holidays and I caved. It's a stressful food time for everyone, and even more so now I was having a tough time, and I totally and completely caved. Food, food, food. I told myself it's just be a few days over Christmas, but now its January 13th and I still cant stop. I cant stop shoving food into my face, and I feel like such a fucking fat bitch. I keep trying on these shorts and jeans that I hadn't been able to fit into for years before this last weight drop, and they still fit fine, and yet I still feel MASSIVE. What the hell is wrong with my brain? Why is it incapable of rational thinking?

Today has been so long, not as long as it usually would be though. I was in college 9am til 4pm and literally did not have a break. Ironically I'm doing baking and cake decoration (that's a whooooole other post with how that ties into my ED) and Fridays are always just hectic on college. We make produce for the bakery shop downstairs and its just crazy to get all the bread and cakes out on time, and then I had to go work on written assigments over my lunch break, and then it was 3 hours of cake decoration in the afternoon. Usually I'd have to go straight from college to work for a 7 hour shift that finishes at midnight, but I'd booked today off and I'm sooooooo glad I did! I'm exhausted, I feel like I just didn't get a break over Christmas to reco-operate from all of the shit things that happened at the end of last year (again, another post) and I just want a break.

Tonight has been nice just having the house to myself, my bf is at work until midnight, but I'm still sooooo looking forward to him coming home and we can start our weekend, also, I dont binge when he's in the house so that's a big plus, I can eat without feeling guilty. We're getting away just for the night this weekend which I'm very much looking forward to. I think we both need it!