I'm so tired, so so tired. I've been hyper all day and now I'm just craaaaaashed. I had so much to get done today and I had a hospital appointment. I was so annoyed at myself because I was convinced my appointment was 2pm but when I checked this morning it was 3:30pm so that threw off my whole days plan by an hour and a half and I reaaaally don't cope so well when my plans change at the last minute, and I was kicking myself for not double checking what time it was. I did ok though, and I got my work done. I haven't really mentioned it before but my passion is cake decorating, and I know some people who know about my eating disorder think it's weird that I enjoy baking and cake decorating so much, but for me it's such a big creative outlet for me, and I find it so relaxing, and I actually very rarely want to binge when I'm baking (except on the batter but I try and wash everything as soon as I've used it so I'm not tempted). I'm going to college too to study professional bakery and its so much fun! It's hard work and making industrial size batches of bread, seriously does feel like a work out! I also think its a control thing too, because if I'm making a cake for someone, I know that they're going to be eating cake and I'm not, and that makes the eating disordered bit of me happy.

I walked about 6 miles today. I was going to take the bus, but I wanted to save money and get some exercise in so I walked to the hospital and back. I hadn't eaten anything, and when I got back I told myself that I'd have to weigh myself and I was only allowed to eat if I was under a certain number ( my weight has been bouncing up and down recently). Anyway, I was 2lbs less than that limit, so I let myself have some tuna. I want to eat again though and I don't know what to have, again I can feel a binge coming on so I want to feed my body a little bit more so that I can reduce that feeling without going over the top.

I've been so clumsy today, I dropped my phone in the hospital and it flew into loads of pieces in the waiting room, I dropped a bag I was carrying twice, and I just keep walking into things and tripping over things. I know I get like this when I've not had enough to eat and my brain isn't working properly. I need to start making a concious effort to be more on top of things. I'm in college EARLY on Fridays and I'm doing things with sharp knives right from the start so I definitely need to try and not be clumsy tomorrow.

I'm really looking forward to the weekend, me and my mum are having a girly night in tomorrow, and then a bunch of us are going out for pay day drinks on Saturday, I don't want to get too drunk but I know everyone wants a really messy one and Dave's not going and I always feel so socially anxious when I'm not with him on nights out and sometimes I know that I drink too much to overcompensate. But I really don't want to do that.

Anyway, I'm tired and I'm up early so I think it's bed time. Nighty night.