Failure

I feel utterly heartbroken today. I woke up this morning and for the first time in a very long time I had such a bad urge to cut. I've felt like such a failure this weekend. I drank a lot, and ate waaaaay too much and I feel like I completely wasted the weekend to food and drink and now it's Monday and I feel sad and lost and fat. My first thought after wanting to cut was was that I wanted to fast all week. I feel like I need to punish myself for doing so badly this weekend and I want to hurt myself in so many ways. I feel like I don't deserve to have food, but I also feel like I don't deserve to be thin because I'm such a fuck up. And I'm not thin. But I just want to starve until I waste away.

Everythings changing at the moment, in some ways it feels like everythings changing too quickly, but at the same time I feel like it's not changing quickly enough. After 6 years of working a night shift, my bf is going to be moving back onto dayshift at some point in the next month. It could be at the same place he is now, which means he'll be taking a pay cut and we wont be able to do certain things anymore because we wont have enough money, but we will have a lot more time to spend together, or he'll be moving to another company which is a much longer commute so we wouldn't get to spend so much time together, but it's more money so we'd be able to do more things when we did have the time together. Ugh, it's such a hard decision to make, there are so many pros and cons to both, but I just want him to do what will make him happier on a day to day basis. As much as the money would be nice, I don't know if he'd be happy doing that 3 hour round commute, and I'd much rather he be happy. The only thing I'm worried about is, as always, eating disorder related. At the moment I'm in the house on my own in the evenings from 4pm til midnight, and that means my disordered eating can run completely free. During the day I'm busy doing things, and I've never eaten much during the day anyway, so I can get away with it, but when I'm on my own in the evenings I can fast/restrict if I want, I can binge and purge, I can over exercise, and I can do it all in a completely comfortable environment. Now he's going to be at home in the evenings, that's going to become really difficult. I wont be able to get away with not eating anything all night, or going to the shop and buying binge food and coming home and binging and purging.

I want to lose weight more than anything right now, I got so close to my original goal weight, and as soon as I got within reach of it, I decided that that weight was far too fat, and I've pushed it an extra 12lbs lower. I feel like whenever I get within reach of a goal, I change the boundaries so it's out of reach again, so that I constantly feel like I'm not achieveing anything so I am therefore constantly being a failiure.

I still feel so sad about all the things that happened at the end of last year, but I feel like now everyone's just assumed that I've got over it, and every time I bring it up to anyone who knows about it, they change the subject. But I'm really struggling and I still feel so utterly devastated by it. I want my baby back. I still want to wake up and for it all to have been a bad dream. I want it to stop hurting everytime I see a happy couple with a baby or a pregnant woman. I want to stop waking up in the middle of the night after dreaming that I was having a baby and crying myself back to sleep. I want to stop feeling like I want to punish my own body for not being able to grow and nourish my baby.

I wanted to fast today, but I also really want to binge so bloody badly because I feel so sad and so shit. I feel like I'm too weak to do anything right. I just want all of these thoughts to stop.