Overwhelmed

I woke up in a good mood today, it's my first day off work and I had so many plans and things that I wanted to do. I knew that my bf had loads of things he needed to do too before work so I woke him up so he didn't sleep all day (he works nights). I know last night he was feeling kinda down about stuff, and this morning everything just seemed to be magnified. Sometimes I think we're took similar for our own good. He kept saying about how he felt like a failure because he hated his job and other parts of his life, but he's too afraid of putting any effort into anything that might make life better because he's too scared of failing. MAN do I know how this feels, but he's more stubborn than me, whenever I'm feeling like this with a bit of help I can usually drag myself out of it, but I know tjat it's easier for me now because I've found what it is that I want to do and I can throw myself into that. He can't seem to ever be able to get himself out of a rut once he's in one though, and I know he's really depressed but he refuses to go and speak to a doctor or anyone about it because, again, he sees that as a failure that he can't rule his own mind and sort out his own life. I've tried talking to him, but he often closes himself off emotionally and doesn't tell me how he's really feeling, and he wont take his own advice. He tells me I should go and get help whenever I'm in a state and yet he wont even accept that he's in a similar, probably worse position mentally and he wont even consider getting help. I know that it's hard to accept that you have a problem, and I just want to help him but I don't know how I can help.

This back and forth went on for a good hour and a half and in the end we realised we just weren't getting anywhere, and I was in such a bad mood by this point. I know I shouldn't let myself get dragged down but it's pretty much impossible as I'm already feeling pretty shaky mentally myself. I decided to try and get the day back on track by starting to do the things I had planned, first on the agenda was washing, and then cleaning the house. Forty five minutes later and I was having a pretty bad panic attack. I'd started trying to tidy the house up a bit and literally everywhere I looked there was just crap, and I'd move some crap, and there'd be more crap. Everywhere needed properly cleaning and everything needed completely taking out, cleaning and then putting back in. I just kept walking from room to room getting more and more worked up as I went. The last few months I know the house was falling into a state of disrepair but I knew that I simply didn't have time to do anything about it, but now I'm off work, those thoughts have jumped to the forefront of my mind and I feel like such an uttery failure for not having a pristine house, and for not being able to make it pristine all at once. I feel more overwhelmed than ever and that is the complete opposite of why I gave up work, because I still feel like I don't have enough time to do everything I need to, and I instantly feel like I'm failing at everything. Even as I sit here writing this, my mind is racing with all the things that I feel like I should be doing. This isn't what I wanted, I wanted to find a place where I could concentrate completely on my studies and developing my skills, and I already feel like because I'm not 'working' anymore, then I have no excuse for my house not to be perfect. I know that all this is completely facile, and that the house is just what I'm channelling much stronger feelings into, but I feel like I'm really not coping. I just wish I could chill the fuck out, I'm so sick and tired of feeling anxious and on edge all the fricking time. I hate the person I've become. I don't want to be like this anymore.

I just don't want to be me anymore.