Welcome to Oblivion

Welcome to oblivion.
Where panic starts to settle in.
And I'm afraid of everything.
I lost my head again.

Welcome to oblivion.
Where my whole life is caving in.
And I can't stand who I am.
I think I'm losing it. - Madina Lake

It's so cold in my kitchen I can see my own breath and I can barely feel my fingers to type. I feel so out of it today, I feel almost drunk because things just keep happening and I feel so zoned out that I'll be having a conversation and then realise that I've missed about 5 minutes and have no idea what we're even talking about. I feel like I can't remember what it was like to have energy, and like lifting my arms and legs is so much effort.

Yesterday I didn't want to eat anything, but I knew if I tried that I'd end up b/p, so I decided that instead I would do a really good work out and then eat a bit, and in the end I had an apple, a banana and a spring roll. I weighed myself this morning and I'm exactly what I was before the weekend, which isn't too bad seeing as I had a really bad weekend, but I always, always wish it would be lower. I know I'm going to end up eating more today, just because I actually have things I need to do and I literally cannot move off the sofa, so I'm going to try and just have a few small things so I don't feel starving and hopefully just full enough to keep away a binge.

I just found out about an hour ago that my bf is moving to dayshift from Monday, and I know that all of me should be happy because we get to spend more time together, but there's still a part of me, the ED part of me, that is worried that I wont be able to be so disordered as easily. I'm worried that I'll have to stop pretending that everything is normal and that I'm really struggling again. I know that I am, but right now I'm not in a place where I want admit it to anyone else in case they try and help me or make me get help. I'm scared that I feel like I don't want help, and I'm scared that a complete relapse feels not very far away, and I feel like I'm trapped between knowing that I need to try and stop this now and also wanting to let myself get sick again.