Weak.

My whole body feels so weak and exhausted today. It's been like below freezing all day and my hands have been so cold that I can barely move my fingers no matter what I do. I'm sat here wearing about 5 layers, and my big fleecey robe, and I have the heating on and I'm still pretty chilly. I went for a walk in the park today for some exercise, and it was so cold but so amazingly clear and the sky was so blue, and I found myself looking forward to summer so much. I always think that this year will be different and that I'll feel comfortable in little shorts and t-shirts, but I never, ever do and I always end up still trying to cover up as much as I can, or wearing long floaty things.

I really badly want to just eat 'normally' today because I feel so weak and I know that Thursdays and Fridays are always so crazy and I need A LOT of energy for them, but everytime I go to the kitchen so make myself something I get so overwhelmed and I don't know what to make, and it's so cold in my kitchen, so I just end up making a cup of tea and leaving without any food. I feel like I need something substantial, but I keep freaking out about the calories. I've been stuck at the same weight for the last week and I feel so frustrated, part of me wants to starve harder, and part of me just wants to consume the entire contents of my kitchen so I have an excuse to feel like a failure.

For the first time since being off work I don't have anything I need to do tonight. I've finished my college work and I delivered all my cake orders, and I just wanted to take this evening and have a relax but it's only 6pm and I'm already feeling bored and frustrated. I know I should use my time constructively, but I feel so crappy and achey that I just want to lie on my couch.

I know I shouldn't wish my time away, but I really cant wait for this week to be over. Friday evening cannot come quick enough! I'm horribly anxiety riddled about all the decisions and changes that are going to be happening from next week, and I keep getting myself so worked up about how things are going to pan out, so I just need them to be happening now so I can actually deal with them, rather than having anxiety attacks about how I'm not going to be able to deal with them, if that makes any sense. I need to talk to someone about everything so badly, but I don't have anyone in my life who's in a position that I can unload to at the moment, and I don't want to be a burden any more than I already am to the people I love. A big part of me really wants to get wasted so I don't have to deal with any of this, and that really worries me because I've spent a long time getting myself to a stage where I can face my feelings and be open about them rather than hiding them behind unhealthy behaviours, and the last couple of weeks that's all I've been doing. Meh, and now I just feel like I'm being completely self-involved and self-centred. Blarrrghgghhhgh!!!