Secrets, lies and losses.

Ok, so after my week long binge last week, I decided that it was time for a change. Now that it's Lent, I've decided to set myself a 40 day long challenge to eat 'healthily'. I know that this is massively coming from my eating disorder, and that it's a way of tricking the people around me into thinking that I just want to get more healthy by giving up the junk food etc, and my bf actually called me out on it, and I didn't even really deny it that much, but at the moment we're so shut down to each other emotionally that he didn't press it, and that of course made my ED feel like it was winning.

I decided I needed to punish myself for being so weak last night, so I hopped on the scale this morning to shock myself into seeing the number, and I'd LOST weight. Not even a little loss (I weighed myself on Tuesday last week and I've been eating, eating, eating since then). I was actually at a lower weight than I was the time I weighed myself before that, which was the lowest I have been in about 5 years. What the juddering fuck!?!? I've been working out quite a bit it's true, and I've been MASSIVELY stressed, maybe it's just that, but now all I want to do is lose, lose, lose. I was convinced I'd gained so much since my last weigh in, so my 'healthy eating plan' was mostly so I could shit that weight, but it's not weight I have to shift, and now my brain is remembering back to previous goal weights I had when I was seriously into my ED before, and knows that I'm within striking distance of one I had for a long time.

I'm scared that I won't be able to stop once I get into losing again, but I'm scared because I don't want to stop. I still keep dreaming about being so thin, so beautiful (Logically I know thin doesn't equal beautiful, but try telling my brain that!), so confident, so strong. I feel like I'm already losing my passion for everything else that I love in my life other than losing weight. I'm going to get my hair cut now and then going shopping in town with my mum. I just need to focus.