Friday 3 February 2012
Causing disordered eating when trying to avoid a binge.
Ok so I'm finding it difficult to make the distinction between eating sensibly in the sense of not causing a binge, and eating in a disordered manner. By this I mean in the actual physical process of eating something. For instance, right now I'm eating my dinner. I keep telling myself to take my time and eat slowly, distract myself by doing something else at the same time, take breaks to let myself naturally get to a full point etc and I started doing this purely from the point of view that if I ate in this way that it would be less likely to cause a binge. But even though my actions were all from a positive eating point of view, I'm now sat here 2 hours later and I've still only eaten half of what I planned on, and now it feels like my efforts have turned completely into disordered habits. When on my own, I eat at a very slow pace anyway, I can't help it, it seems like unless I am binging I have literally lost the ability to eat at a normal pace without feeling physcially sick, and I know this drives my bf and family up the wall especially when we're eating out. But anyway, when on my own, this is so heightened, and I guess I've been so concentrated on avoiding the binging side that the symptoms at the other end of the scale have managed to waltz back into my eating habits without me even noticing. I can't seem to keep focused on both things at once, and combat them both at the same time.
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i can relate to this and i know it can be superfrusterating. the goal is to find a balance between these two ends of the spectrum. it's something i am still working on but what i have learned in treatment is that you can't fight everything all at once. you need to have a plan and take small steps. so... if for example, you are trying not to binge - some restricting ed habits might come to the surface (which is okay sometimes because you are working on the binging) but it can also be a slipperly slope because you don't want to fall back into the restricting habits. i know, confusing right?
ReplyDeleteit just takes patience and gentleness with yourself and trying one meal at a time. if you do fall into some restricting habits, don't get too upset with yourself BE-cause you are working on getting out the binging habit. BUT... don't let the ed convince you that the restricting habits & behaviors are okay.
letting go of all of this is so tough. it takes alot of hard work, steps backwards, finding out what works and what doesn't work, and never giving up. i know you want to let go of this, and i know you are trying so hard to fight it - i can see that in your posts. so PLEASE don't get discouraged. just keep doing your best and things will start to fall into place. i believe this with all of my heart.
i hope this wasnt too confusing... lol. do you see or have you ever seen a dietician to help give you some ideas, thoughts, or plans to help with this process?
Thanks for your comment, its always nice knowing that there are people who actually understand how you're feeling rather than just nodding along, you know? All of what you said makes complete sense, and I completely agree with it all. I know it's impossible to battle everything at once, but it's SO hard to accept because I still haven't managed to come to terms with the fact that I can't be 100% perfect at absolutely everything without feeling like a complete failure.
DeleteI really am serious about getting better, however tough it gets, but I'm sure you know as well how hard keeping to this positivity can be when you're having a bad day!
At the moment, I don't have any professional support at all, and I keep wanting to make myself go to the doctor and seeing if I can get referred again, but every time I try and make myself go I convince myself that I'm either ok and can deal with this on my own, or that I'm not sick enough to go and get help. I know in my heart that neither of these are true, but I need to stop kidding myself. I suppose I'm still really scared of going and getting help and it actually working and then I'll have to learn who I really am without my eating disorder, it's pretty much been my identity for 8 years and I'm terrified that I wont like the person that I find, does that make sense?
that makes complete sense to me. that's one of the biggest reasons why i held onto my ed for soooo long - even while i was in treatment - because i didnt know who "jenn" was, i only knew the eating disorder. it was my everything. my way to cope, my way to feel, my way to control, my way to THINK, its how i defined myself. and it was the scariest thing to let go of it, and it was a process BUT letting go of it and discovering "jenn" again was - was scary and confusing but also sooooo amazing and i KNOW it can be for you too!
ReplyDeletei understand about want to be 100 percent with recovery or with the ed, but you need to try giving yourself credit for the things you ARE doing. its all about progression not perfection. that is one of my favorite quotes. don't try to push yourself too hard and expect too much in never messing up because it will happen... a lot. but everytime you do what the ed doesn't want you to do - you are succeeding and you are that much closer to recovery!