Always anxious, all the time.

I feel like I've been bordering on a panic attack all week. I've binged every day so far, despite lying awake for hours when I go to bed, meticuliously making a game plan to avoid binging the next day. I haven't purged every time I've binged either which I think is adding to the anxiety because I just can't deal with weight gain at the moment. I just cant. I've taken the batteries out of my scales in the hope that if I do get the urge to weigh myself I won't be able to just jump on the scales quickly and see the number, and that I'll be able to talk myself round before I've got them working again. It might work, it might not, but it was worth a try.

I'm in college a bit later today, and I'm feeling horribly anxious about it. There's only one person in my group that I really get on with and I feel really socially awkward around every one else and get really panicky. The group has broken off into 3 pretty much, the ones who are staright from school and are like 16/17, the twenty somethings who all have kids, and women in the their 50s/60s who are retired and want to get into cake decorating and something to do. I don't fit into any of these, age wise I fit in with the twenty somethings but I don't have kids, and they're always talking about their kids and it upsets me because I still just cant handle being around people with kids and stuff. Anyway, so I always feel really left out, and the one person I really get on with sent me a message before saying she's got the flu and isn't going to be in this week at all and so I'm just feeling so panicky and full of anxiety. As soon as I read the message I started thinking about ways that I could get away with not going to college. I hate it, I want to just be able to enjoy college and I feel like my anxiety is ruining everything.

SO in light of this, I've made a big decision. I've decided to finally make a doctors appointment and talk to her about my anxiety. It's scary and is causing a lot of anxiety in itself but its something I just need to do. I can't carry on living like this.