So yesterday was soooooo much fun. I finally managed to let my hair down, get out of my own head (for the most part) and just enjoy myself. I think the alcohol helped a lot, hmm, not brilliant I know and I did have a bit of a headache this morning, but I wasn't like wasted or anything, just nicely drunk enough to feel coonfident and chatty. I met up with a couple of all friends and it was sooooooo nice to catch up and see them. One of them commented on how 'tiny' I looked :-S. We didn't get back to the hotel til gone 3am! It was a lovely hotel too :-) we had champagne and a mahoosive bed. It was lovely.
At one point during the evening I'd gone to the bathroom and I think it was a disabled one so it was just like a big room with the loo and a low down mirror in. Anyway, I was wearing a playsuit (which I'd forgotten how much of a pain it is when you're on a night out) so I had to like proper strip off to go to the loo and I was trying not to look and my pretty much naked self in the mirror so I kinda turned away but as I did I caught a glimpse of my back in the mirror and I realised that I could proper see all of my ribs and spine from the back of me. It really surprised me because I'd been feeling huge up until that point and just for a fleeting moment I felt really skinny, and then it was gone. I'm not sure what to make of this, seeing those bones didn't fill me with a sense of achievement or happiness like it used to, which I guess is a good thing and shows I'm moving forward, but at the same time it did make me feel happy to feel thin and I felt more confident after that happened. I also realised how small my boobs have become and that makes me kinda sad, I miss having bigger boobs lol, I wish I could be skinny with big boobs, but I'm not blessed with those genes.
Ugh, so I don't know what to do or feel. I guess just carry on as I have been doing. Tonight is a dangerous night because we have soooooo much binge food in the house and Dave's gone to play his regular poker night with some of his friends so I'm on my own, and therefore I feel like I'm so set up for a binge. I'm going to try and just take it easy on myself, try and stick to what I have planned but not restrict. We'll see how it goes, I don't feel so hopeful, and my throat is killing me so much from straining it talking in bars last night so i REAAALLLLY don't want to be purging.
Anywho, I might write again later if I need some distraction. Have a nice evening lovelies!
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glad you were able to enjoy the evening ; )
ReplyDeletei know how that can feel when you are seeing bones again and feeling small like that but please be careful and know where that is coming from because it's such a dangerous addiction and i know you know this. be gentle with yourself <3
Thanks hun, it's just so weird because I feel like I've been eating faaaaar to much and I've been freaking out, and then I stepped on the scale and I'd lost. I felt so fat all of the days after I'd written this, but I'm thinking that maybe because I was a bit drunk, I saw myself as I actually was without the distorted image. I don't know, I feel like I'm falling so far into the disorder again and it's so scary because I feel like I don't want to feel like this, but I still want to lose weight :-( it's just so tiring! x
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