When I woke up this morning and checked my phone I realised that it's 6 months ago today that I had a miscarriage. I knew it was coming up but I'd been trying to ignore it, squashing down all those feelings and doing exactly the opposite of dealing with it in a healthy way. I've been so down recently and I knew that I just didn't have the strength to fight it today.
I knew that I was going to binge today. I just wasn't strong enough to fight it, but so far I am managing to do some damage control. I took myself out for a walk seeing as its a glorious day outside, I did a lot of thinking about other things to distract me, I bought some fruit that I could fill up on, and I tried not to push myself or feel guilty for not doing much today. I've had a real problem with that recently, thinking I should be doing more and that I'm lazy and a waste of space when I'm not busy busy busy all the time. I have let myself graze throughout the day, on fairly healthy things, fruit and crackers and bran flakes. I know I'm basically having a day long binge and I'm not eating any 'proper' meals, but by eating little bits of things all day, I can keep myself from having a proper full on face stuffing binge which leads to purging. I'm confident that I wont purge today. I've also exercised a lot today which has helped keep the guilty feelings down, again I know its not amazingly healthy, mind wise, but I'm just doing the best I can.
I know that basically letting myself have a binge and not trying to stop it isn't healthy, and also not forcing myself to stick to a sensible meal plan, but I have to remember that it's one day, and tomorrow I will get back on track. I need to remember that I can't deal with everything all at once, and right here right now seeing as that I've had to spend the whole day and evening on my own (Dave's on a course tonight) I just need to deal with the issues in hand. Fortunately I got a call from the counselling service today and I should be starting with them soon so I know that I'll FINALLY be able to work through all of this and actually deal with it rather than squashing it down and down.
Its only 6:15pm, and Dave will be home about half 9, but I have the next 3 hours planned out with what I'm going to do so I don't just stand in the kitchen and stuff myself. I'm proud of myself for doing everything I can to keep this under control today, but I feel so weak and so broken. I'm still so sad, at the moment it seems like barely 5 minutes go by without me thinking about it. I'm tired of this ruling my life, but I miss my baby so much and I'd give anything to have that happy feeling back when we were going to be a family. I know it hurts Dave to, but sometimes I just don't want to bring it up all the time and bring him down too. But I'm also so tired of keeping it to myself and smiling when I'm hurting.
Sleep well, sweetheart. I miss you and I'll always love you.
Tuesday 22 May 2012
Monday 21 May 2012
I want to run away. I want to change absolutely everything. I have this stupid idea of the 'perfect' life, and I know that if I had it, it wouldn't be perfect but I feel like I'm always striving for something that doesn't exist, looking forward to things that never match up to my expectations.
I don't know if I'm even making any sense. I've felt really out of it the last couple of days, I've upped my medication whilst also starting on my new anxiety meds and I feel like I've just crashed. I feel sick and headachey and really really depressed and just so bloody low that I just want to get out. I dont know where to, I just need a change. I know that it's all down to me, and that I'm blaming my feeling like this on external factors, when it's me that doesn't have the motivation, the drive and the belief in myself. I know that I have a really good life, I'm lucky enough to be doing what I want to be doing at college, and yes I have big big regrets about leaving a job that a lot of people would kill for, and a big part of me wishes that I'd never done that and that I'd been stronger and stuck it out and now I think that things would be a lot better. I'm constantly worried about money, about what happens in the future, about the huge gap between what I want and what I think is achievable.
It scares me that I have to literally fight myself out of bed in the morning. The weather is gorgeous today and usually all I'd want to do is be outside, walking in the warm sunshine. But right now all I want to do is sit inside, watch shit on tv and hide from the world. What happened to me? I remember a time when I was happy. I can still remember what that felt like, just. I want that back, I want that feeling back more than anything. I want to stop picturing this false perfect life and start enjoying my own again. But I don't know how, I dont know who to turn to or what to do to change. I'm still waiting on counselling from my doctors, they said it could take up to 6 weeks and that was only 2 weeks ago.
I hate the way I'm feeling in my body at the moment. I feel like I'm massively comfort eating and control eating, and it feels like I've been gaining and gaining massively, and I don't know if I am or not, I'm not weighing myself. Weirdly only a few days ago I felt really small and I managed to keep myself from stepping on the scale and demoralising myself, and I was proud of myself for that, and now I feel like a fricking elephant. I just hate this. I hate feeling like this so much.
I cant seem to concentrate anymore. It's taken me like an hour just to get this down because I just cant seem to make my brain to stop racing off somewhere else. I want to feel numb. I want to stop feeling everything so much. I just cant handle it anymore.
I don't know if I'm even making any sense. I've felt really out of it the last couple of days, I've upped my medication whilst also starting on my new anxiety meds and I feel like I've just crashed. I feel sick and headachey and really really depressed and just so bloody low that I just want to get out. I dont know where to, I just need a change. I know that it's all down to me, and that I'm blaming my feeling like this on external factors, when it's me that doesn't have the motivation, the drive and the belief in myself. I know that I have a really good life, I'm lucky enough to be doing what I want to be doing at college, and yes I have big big regrets about leaving a job that a lot of people would kill for, and a big part of me wishes that I'd never done that and that I'd been stronger and stuck it out and now I think that things would be a lot better. I'm constantly worried about money, about what happens in the future, about the huge gap between what I want and what I think is achievable.
It scares me that I have to literally fight myself out of bed in the morning. The weather is gorgeous today and usually all I'd want to do is be outside, walking in the warm sunshine. But right now all I want to do is sit inside, watch shit on tv and hide from the world. What happened to me? I remember a time when I was happy. I can still remember what that felt like, just. I want that back, I want that feeling back more than anything. I want to stop picturing this false perfect life and start enjoying my own again. But I don't know how, I dont know who to turn to or what to do to change. I'm still waiting on counselling from my doctors, they said it could take up to 6 weeks and that was only 2 weeks ago.
I hate the way I'm feeling in my body at the moment. I feel like I'm massively comfort eating and control eating, and it feels like I've been gaining and gaining massively, and I don't know if I am or not, I'm not weighing myself. Weirdly only a few days ago I felt really small and I managed to keep myself from stepping on the scale and demoralising myself, and I was proud of myself for that, and now I feel like a fricking elephant. I just hate this. I hate feeling like this so much.
I cant seem to concentrate anymore. It's taken me like an hour just to get this down because I just cant seem to make my brain to stop racing off somewhere else. I want to feel numb. I want to stop feeling everything so much. I just cant handle it anymore.
Tuesday 15 May 2012
Dark days.
I've been having some really dark days recently. I finally went to the doctors about my anxiety as it had just got unmanagable and he put me on some anxiety meds, but warned me for the first couple of weeks if can actually make you feel worse. Weirdly the first couple of days on them I felt great, and then I kinda crashed and yesterday was particularly bad. I had self harm thoughts for the first time in a very long time, they weren't very strong, not even urges but it was still there, and that kinda scared me.
I guess I'm just frustrated because I feel like there are so so many good things in my life, and all I feel like I'm doing at the moment is focusing on the negative stuff. I feel like there's so much more I should be doing with my life and it really scares me that every time I try I crash and burn. I feel guily because I'm not bringing in any money and we're just about scraping by on what D earns. I WANT to be able to get back into work and hold down a job without it becoming such a big source of anxiety that I end up making myself ill. I WANT to be able to bring in money so that we can do nice things. I just want to be NORMAL, whatever that is.
I was lay in bed this morning and I started listing the things in my life that were bothering me and I ended up getting so overwhelmed because there are just so many things that I know that I need to deal with and that I feel like I'm being crushed by. I've decided this afternoon that I'm going to sit down and make a list and then I can tackle them one at a time. I just feel like I want to cry and give up, but at the same time I want to try as hard as I frickin can to not let this beat me.
I guess I'm just frustrated because I feel like there are so so many good things in my life, and all I feel like I'm doing at the moment is focusing on the negative stuff. I feel like there's so much more I should be doing with my life and it really scares me that every time I try I crash and burn. I feel guily because I'm not bringing in any money and we're just about scraping by on what D earns. I WANT to be able to get back into work and hold down a job without it becoming such a big source of anxiety that I end up making myself ill. I WANT to be able to bring in money so that we can do nice things. I just want to be NORMAL, whatever that is.
I was lay in bed this morning and I started listing the things in my life that were bothering me and I ended up getting so overwhelmed because there are just so many things that I know that I need to deal with and that I feel like I'm being crushed by. I've decided this afternoon that I'm going to sit down and make a list and then I can tackle them one at a time. I just feel like I want to cry and give up, but at the same time I want to try as hard as I frickin can to not let this beat me.
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