Dark days.

I've been having some really dark days recently. I finally went to the doctors about my anxiety as it had just got unmanagable and he put me on some anxiety meds, but warned me for the first couple of weeks if can actually make you feel worse. Weirdly the first couple of days on them I felt great, and then I kinda crashed and yesterday was particularly bad. I had self harm thoughts for the first time in a very long time, they weren't very strong, not even urges but it was still there, and that kinda scared me.

I guess I'm just frustrated because I feel like there are so so many good things in my life, and all I feel like I'm doing at the moment is focusing on the negative stuff. I feel like there's so much more I should be doing with my life and it really scares me that every time I try I crash and burn. I feel guily because I'm not bringing in any money and we're just about scraping by on what D earns. I WANT to be able to get back into work and hold down a job without it becoming such a big source of anxiety that I end up making myself ill. I WANT to be able to bring in money so that we can do nice things. I just want to be NORMAL, whatever that is.

I was lay in bed this morning and I started listing the things in my life that were bothering me and I ended up getting so overwhelmed because there are just so many things that I know that I need to deal with and that I feel like I'm being crushed by. I've decided this afternoon that I'm going to sit down and make a list and then I can tackle them one at a time. I just feel like I want to cry and give up, but at the same time I want to try as hard as I frickin can to not let this beat me.