Sleep well, sweetheart.

When I woke up this morning and checked my phone I realised that it's 6 months ago today that I had a miscarriage. I knew it was coming up but I'd been trying to ignore it, squashing down all those feelings and doing exactly the opposite of dealing with it in a healthy way. I've been so down recently and I knew that I just didn't have the strength to fight it today.

I knew that I was going to binge today. I just wasn't strong enough to fight it, but so far I am managing to do some damage control. I took myself out for a walk seeing as its a glorious day outside, I did a lot of thinking about other things to distract me, I bought some fruit that I could fill up on, and I tried not to push myself or feel guilty for not doing much today. I've had a real problem with that recently, thinking I should be doing more and that I'm lazy and a waste of space when I'm not busy busy busy all the time. I have let myself graze throughout the day, on fairly healthy things, fruit and crackers and bran flakes. I know I'm basically having a day long binge and I'm not eating any 'proper' meals, but by eating little bits of things all day, I can keep myself from having a proper full on face stuffing binge which leads to purging. I'm confident that I wont purge today. I've also exercised a lot today which has helped keep the guilty feelings down, again I know its not amazingly healthy, mind wise, but I'm just doing the best I can.

I know that basically letting myself have a binge and not trying to stop it isn't healthy, and also not forcing myself to stick to a sensible meal plan, but I have to remember that it's one day, and tomorrow I will get back on track. I need to remember that I can't deal with everything all at once, and right here right now seeing as that I've had to spend the whole day and evening on my own (Dave's on a course tonight) I just need to deal with the issues in hand. Fortunately I got a call from the counselling service today and I should be starting with them soon so I know that I'll FINALLY be able to work through all of this and actually deal with it rather than squashing it down and down.

Its only 6:15pm, and Dave will be home about half 9, but I have the next 3 hours planned out with what I'm going to do so I don't just stand in the kitchen and stuff myself. I'm proud of myself for doing everything I can to keep this under control today, but I feel so weak and so broken. I'm still so sad, at the moment it seems like barely 5 minutes go by without me thinking about it. I'm tired of this ruling my life, but I miss my baby so much and I'd give anything to have that happy feeling back when we were going to be a family. I know it hurts Dave to, but sometimes I just don't want to bring it up all the time and bring him down too. But I'm also so tired of keeping it to myself and smiling when I'm hurting.

Sleep well, sweetheart. I miss you and I'll always love you.