I want to run away. I want to change absolutely everything. I have this stupid idea of the 'perfect' life, and I know that if I had it, it wouldn't be perfect but I feel like I'm always striving for something that doesn't exist, looking forward to things that never match up to my expectations.

I don't know if I'm even making any sense. I've felt really out of it the last couple of days, I've upped my medication whilst also starting on my new anxiety meds and I feel like I've just crashed. I feel sick and headachey and really really depressed and just so bloody low that I just want to get out. I dont know where to, I just need a change. I know that it's all down to me, and that I'm blaming my feeling like this on external factors, when it's me that doesn't have the motivation, the drive and the belief in myself. I know that I have a really good life, I'm lucky enough to be doing what I want to be doing at college, and yes I have big big regrets about leaving a job that a lot of people would kill for, and a big part of me wishes that I'd never done that and that I'd been stronger and stuck it out and now I think that things would be a lot better. I'm constantly worried about money, about what happens in the future, about the huge gap between what I want and what I think is achievable.

It scares me that I have to literally fight myself out of bed in the morning. The weather is gorgeous today and usually all I'd want to do is be outside, walking in the warm sunshine. But right now all I want to do is sit inside, watch shit on tv and hide from the world. What happened to me? I remember a time when I was happy. I can still remember what that felt like, just. I want that back, I want that feeling back more than anything. I want to stop picturing this false perfect life and start enjoying my own again. But I don't know how, I dont know who to turn to or what to do to change. I'm still waiting on counselling from my doctors, they said it could take up to 6 weeks and that was only 2 weeks ago.

I hate the way I'm feeling in my body at the moment. I feel like I'm massively comfort eating and control eating, and it feels like I've been gaining and gaining massively, and I don't know if I am or not, I'm not weighing myself. Weirdly only a few days ago I felt really small and I managed to keep myself from stepping on the scale and demoralising myself, and I was proud of myself for that, and now I feel like a fricking elephant. I just hate this. I hate feeling like this so much.

I cant seem to concentrate anymore. It's taken me like an hour just to get this down because I just cant seem to make my brain to stop racing off somewhere else. I want to feel numb. I want to stop feeling everything so much. I just cant handle it anymore.