Sooooooo......

 I got married!!!!!!

Sleep well, sweetheart.

When I woke up this morning and checked my phone I realised that it's 6 months ago today that I had a miscarriage. I knew it was coming up but I'd been trying to ignore it, squashing down all those feelings and doing exactly the opposite of dealing with it in a healthy way. I've been so down recently and I knew that I just didn't have the strength to fight it today.

I knew that I was going to binge today. I just wasn't strong enough to fight it, but so far I am managing to do some damage control. I took myself out for a walk seeing as its a glorious day outside, I did a lot of thinking about other things to distract me, I bought some fruit that I could fill up on, and I tried not to push myself or feel guilty for not doing much today. I've had a real problem with that recently, thinking I should be doing more and that I'm lazy and a waste of space when I'm not busy busy busy all the time. I have let myself graze throughout the day, on fairly healthy things, fruit and crackers and bran flakes. I know I'm basically having a day long binge and I'm not eating any 'proper' meals, but by eating little bits of things all day, I can keep myself from having a proper full on face stuffing binge which leads to purging. I'm confident that I wont purge today. I've also exercised a lot today which has helped keep the guilty feelings down, again I know its not amazingly healthy, mind wise, but I'm just doing the best I can.

I know that basically letting myself have a binge and not trying to stop it isn't healthy, and also not forcing myself to stick to a sensible meal plan, but I have to remember that it's one day, and tomorrow I will get back on track. I need to remember that I can't deal with everything all at once, and right here right now seeing as that I've had to spend the whole day and evening on my own (Dave's on a course tonight) I just need to deal with the issues in hand. Fortunately I got a call from the counselling service today and I should be starting with them soon so I know that I'll FINALLY be able to work through all of this and actually deal with it rather than squashing it down and down.

Its only 6:15pm, and Dave will be home about half 9, but I have the next 3 hours planned out with what I'm going to do so I don't just stand in the kitchen and stuff myself. I'm proud of myself for doing everything I can to keep this under control today, but I feel so weak and so broken. I'm still so sad, at the moment it seems like barely 5 minutes go by without me thinking about it. I'm tired of this ruling my life, but I miss my baby so much and I'd give anything to have that happy feeling back when we were going to be a family. I know it hurts Dave to, but sometimes I just don't want to bring it up all the time and bring him down too. But I'm also so tired of keeping it to myself and smiling when I'm hurting.

Sleep well, sweetheart. I miss you and I'll always love you.

I want to run away. I want to change absolutely everything. I have this stupid idea of the 'perfect' life, and I know that if I had it, it wouldn't be perfect but I feel like I'm always striving for something that doesn't exist, looking forward to things that never match up to my expectations.

I don't know if I'm even making any sense. I've felt really out of it the last couple of days, I've upped my medication whilst also starting on my new anxiety meds and I feel like I've just crashed. I feel sick and headachey and really really depressed and just so bloody low that I just want to get out. I dont know where to, I just need a change. I know that it's all down to me, and that I'm blaming my feeling like this on external factors, when it's me that doesn't have the motivation, the drive and the belief in myself. I know that I have a really good life, I'm lucky enough to be doing what I want to be doing at college, and yes I have big big regrets about leaving a job that a lot of people would kill for, and a big part of me wishes that I'd never done that and that I'd been stronger and stuck it out and now I think that things would be a lot better. I'm constantly worried about money, about what happens in the future, about the huge gap between what I want and what I think is achievable.

It scares me that I have to literally fight myself out of bed in the morning. The weather is gorgeous today and usually all I'd want to do is be outside, walking in the warm sunshine. But right now all I want to do is sit inside, watch shit on tv and hide from the world. What happened to me? I remember a time when I was happy. I can still remember what that felt like, just. I want that back, I want that feeling back more than anything. I want to stop picturing this false perfect life and start enjoying my own again. But I don't know how, I dont know who to turn to or what to do to change. I'm still waiting on counselling from my doctors, they said it could take up to 6 weeks and that was only 2 weeks ago.

I hate the way I'm feeling in my body at the moment. I feel like I'm massively comfort eating and control eating, and it feels like I've been gaining and gaining massively, and I don't know if I am or not, I'm not weighing myself. Weirdly only a few days ago I felt really small and I managed to keep myself from stepping on the scale and demoralising myself, and I was proud of myself for that, and now I feel like a fricking elephant. I just hate this. I hate feeling like this so much.

I cant seem to concentrate anymore. It's taken me like an hour just to get this down because I just cant seem to make my brain to stop racing off somewhere else. I want to feel numb. I want to stop feeling everything so much. I just cant handle it anymore.

Dark days.

I've been having some really dark days recently. I finally went to the doctors about my anxiety as it had just got unmanagable and he put me on some anxiety meds, but warned me for the first couple of weeks if can actually make you feel worse. Weirdly the first couple of days on them I felt great, and then I kinda crashed and yesterday was particularly bad. I had self harm thoughts for the first time in a very long time, they weren't very strong, not even urges but it was still there, and that kinda scared me.

I guess I'm just frustrated because I feel like there are so so many good things in my life, and all I feel like I'm doing at the moment is focusing on the negative stuff. I feel like there's so much more I should be doing with my life and it really scares me that every time I try I crash and burn. I feel guily because I'm not bringing in any money and we're just about scraping by on what D earns. I WANT to be able to get back into work and hold down a job without it becoming such a big source of anxiety that I end up making myself ill. I WANT to be able to bring in money so that we can do nice things. I just want to be NORMAL, whatever that is.

I was lay in bed this morning and I started listing the things in my life that were bothering me and I ended up getting so overwhelmed because there are just so many things that I know that I need to deal with and that I feel like I'm being crushed by. I've decided this afternoon that I'm going to sit down and make a list and then I can tackle them one at a time. I just feel like I want to cry and give up, but at the same time I want to try as hard as I frickin can to not let this beat me.

Positive.

Hey, long time no see!

So I've had a bit of a strange day. I realised earlier that I've put most of the weight that I lost at the end of last year back on, just from the way clothes I was trying on fit. At first this really upset me and I immediately thought about depriving myself of whatever it was I was about to eat and felt liek shit etc, and then I stopped and thought. I've had a blast the last couple of months, yes I've been eating a lot but I've been *enjoying* it, discovering amazing new places to eat, yes spending too much money on it all but hell, it's been fun. I've been social, I've pushed myself in new situations and battled my anxiety. It's been so hard but I've felt so proud of myself.

Yes this has meant weight gain, yes this has meant that I can't see my hip bones and back bones and collar bones as much as I used to, but so what, I'm happy. Why should I let my bones of lack of define who I am, and my happiness. I'm still healthy, I'm still working out and living and active lifestyle, and I'm not going to let whether I can fit into, or not fit into, jeans that I bought when I was 14 define how I feel about myself. Yes I might be a size bigger than whatever it is in my head is happy with, but that's not me, and I'M happy.

I know it's been a while and ALOT has happened in my personal life and I'll make a proper update soon about all that, but I just wanted to document this so that I can look back on it when my motivation is down and see that my bones and my weight do not define me. My personality, my drive and my passion define me.

Thank you and good night lol.

Selfish.

I feel pathetically like I just want to go out in the street today and shout 'I AM UPSET!!!!!'. I'm just too worn down to pretend that I'm not anymore. I am really fucking upset and angry and tired and I just want all of this to be over. I want term to be over, I want the wedding to be over, I want the funeral to be over so I can just crawl into a hiding place for the next two weeks. I don't want to have to deal with any of it. I am NOT happy, and I don't know what I should do about it. I don't know how much of it is real unhappiness and how much is manufactured by the stress and everything from the wedding etc. But anyway, fuck it i dont care, I'm past fuckin caring. I'm past fucking being polite and gracious and supportive. I can't help but br selfish and resentful and spiteful. It should be me. Maybe I just need more. No, I do need more. I'm sick of sugar coating things. I need more, I selfishly feel like I deserve more.

I want to go. I don't want to go.

It's days like these where I wish that I lived in a remote part of the countryside and I could just go and wander the hills and the fields in the gorgeous sunshine without having to come across a single other human being. It's so warm and there's not a cloud in the sky, not quite warm enough to sit in the shade yet but in the direct sun it's lovely just wearing a sun dress (I have officially broken out the sun dresses but I'm really not feeling so comfortable in them right now). I decided to have a little walk to our nearest park which is only about 5 minutes away. It's one thing I love about where I live in Liverpool, there's about 5 or 6 parks within 20 minutes walk, 2 of which are really pretty big and you can almost forget you're in the city completely. I just wish that sometimes the place was quieter, I got to the park and there were just people everywhere and I didn't feel comfortable just sitting down on the grass and reading my book so I just had a walk and went to the cake shop on the other side of the park to get some supplies I needed for cakes I'm making later in the week. There's a high school right by the park too so there were loads of school kids milling around and being loud and stuff and I just wished I had the whole park to myself to just sit and be quiet and relax.

I've decided to try and let myself have a bit of an easy time this week. I don't have too much I need to do and the weather looks like it's going to be so nice. I always feel guilty for letting myself have time off during the week but I'm going to be most likely running myself into the ground working this summer that I've decided I need to let myself have a bit of a break now before things get crazy then. It's difficult but I think I need it.

This weekend is going to be hard. It's the wedding at long last and I both really want to go and really don't want to go. Thinking about seeing how beautiful their wedding is going to be makes me want to cry. I want that. Selfishly I want the romance. I want the dress, the day, the cake, the words, the love. I want all of it and it's going to be hard seeing someone getting it all, especially when Dave is best man and will be busy most of the day and the anxiety of being with lots of people i dont know is also playing on my mind. I feel fat in my dress and I want to starve all week long, but my nerves are making me want to eat and eat. My mind is not a fun place to be this week.

Also, my Grandpa died on Thursday and it was a pretty big shock. It was fairly sudden, he wasn't in the best of health but he literally just sat down in his chair on Thursday morning, and passed away. It was so sad, but also just how he would have wanted. No drama, no pain, no tubes and wires, just peaceful. I just found out the funeral is next Tuesday. I haven't been to a funeral in many years and I know its going to be a very sad occasion. I have some really good memories of my Grandpa and he will be missed a lot.

I guess all of the drama from the past few weeks has really got me down. My body image is nothing short of HORRENDOUS and I know I've been eating too much/comfort eating to make myself feel better and it of course actually makes me feel bad in the long run, but I guess it's just the coping mechanism I've turned to. I'm not happy at the moment, and I don't know what to do or what to change to make me happy. For now I just want to enjoy the sun and ignore how enormous I feel.