I want to go. I don't want to go.

It's days like these where I wish that I lived in a remote part of the countryside and I could just go and wander the hills and the fields in the gorgeous sunshine without having to come across a single other human being. It's so warm and there's not a cloud in the sky, not quite warm enough to sit in the shade yet but in the direct sun it's lovely just wearing a sun dress (I have officially broken out the sun dresses but I'm really not feeling so comfortable in them right now). I decided to have a little walk to our nearest park which is only about 5 minutes away. It's one thing I love about where I live in Liverpool, there's about 5 or 6 parks within 20 minutes walk, 2 of which are really pretty big and you can almost forget you're in the city completely. I just wish that sometimes the place was quieter, I got to the park and there were just people everywhere and I didn't feel comfortable just sitting down on the grass and reading my book so I just had a walk and went to the cake shop on the other side of the park to get some supplies I needed for cakes I'm making later in the week. There's a high school right by the park too so there were loads of school kids milling around and being loud and stuff and I just wished I had the whole park to myself to just sit and be quiet and relax.

I've decided to try and let myself have a bit of an easy time this week. I don't have too much I need to do and the weather looks like it's going to be so nice. I always feel guilty for letting myself have time off during the week but I'm going to be most likely running myself into the ground working this summer that I've decided I need to let myself have a bit of a break now before things get crazy then. It's difficult but I think I need it.

This weekend is going to be hard. It's the wedding at long last and I both really want to go and really don't want to go. Thinking about seeing how beautiful their wedding is going to be makes me want to cry. I want that. Selfishly I want the romance. I want the dress, the day, the cake, the words, the love. I want all of it and it's going to be hard seeing someone getting it all, especially when Dave is best man and will be busy most of the day and the anxiety of being with lots of people i dont know is also playing on my mind. I feel fat in my dress and I want to starve all week long, but my nerves are making me want to eat and eat. My mind is not a fun place to be this week.

Also, my Grandpa died on Thursday and it was a pretty big shock. It was fairly sudden, he wasn't in the best of health but he literally just sat down in his chair on Thursday morning, and passed away. It was so sad, but also just how he would have wanted. No drama, no pain, no tubes and wires, just peaceful. I just found out the funeral is next Tuesday. I haven't been to a funeral in many years and I know its going to be a very sad occasion. I have some really good memories of my Grandpa and he will be missed a lot.

I guess all of the drama from the past few weeks has really got me down. My body image is nothing short of HORRENDOUS and I know I've been eating too much/comfort eating to make myself feel better and it of course actually makes me feel bad in the long run, but I guess it's just the coping mechanism I've turned to. I'm not happy at the moment, and I don't know what to do or what to change to make me happy. For now I just want to enjoy the sun and ignore how enormous I feel.