SO, I don't know whether to keep writing in here honestly. My bf found this blog on Monday - I dunno if he's guna carrying on reading it if I do carry on. To be honest I don't mind, I'm trying to be much more honest and sometimes it's just easier to write things down. So yeah, I probably will keep writing and if he wants to read then it's fine, I don't wanna carry on keeping things secret, it's not done us any good.

I feel like absolute shit today. I couldn't wake up this morning, I kept trying to get up but my whole body fely so weak and heavy and tired, and I don't even know why. I feel like I'm doing so bad food wise, not in what/how I'm eating, but how I feel about it. I've been trying to just eat 'normally' but I'm finding at the moment that food is the only thing I feel like I can find comfort in. I want to eat everything, all the time and that's really scary. Everytime I eat I feel so hugely fat and it terrifies me that even when I'm done eating I want to carry on eating an eating just for comfort and to feel something. I feel like I've put on about 3 stone and it's horrible. I know that if I want to get back to eating normally and without a care then some weight gain is probably inevitable, and I'm really not sure how to handle that.

I just want to cry and eat and not eat and just have a cuddle to feel better. I've arranged to go and meet a guy on Saturday to discuss doing a work placement and I'm sooooo nervous. I don't even know why, but it's really getting to me. My anxiety is just through the fricking roof and I wish it was just over. I feel stupid and weak for even feeling like this.

I'm really freaking out about everything at the moment and I don't know what's going to happen. I just want to feel happy again. I can still remember what it feels like and I want it back so fucking badly.