Selfish.

I feel pathetically like I just want to go out in the street today and shout 'I AM UPSET!!!!!'. I'm just too worn down to pretend that I'm not anymore. I am really fucking upset and angry and tired and I just want all of this to be over. I want term to be over, I want the wedding to be over, I want the funeral to be over so I can just crawl into a hiding place for the next two weeks. I don't want to have to deal with any of it. I am NOT happy, and I don't know what I should do about it. I don't know how much of it is real unhappiness and how much is manufactured by the stress and everything from the wedding etc. But anyway, fuck it i dont care, I'm past fuckin caring. I'm past fucking being polite and gracious and supportive. I can't help but br selfish and resentful and spiteful. It should be me. Maybe I just need more. No, I do need more. I'm sick of sugar coating things. I need more, I selfishly feel like I deserve more.

I want to go. I don't want to go.

It's days like these where I wish that I lived in a remote part of the countryside and I could just go and wander the hills and the fields in the gorgeous sunshine without having to come across a single other human being. It's so warm and there's not a cloud in the sky, not quite warm enough to sit in the shade yet but in the direct sun it's lovely just wearing a sun dress (I have officially broken out the sun dresses but I'm really not feeling so comfortable in them right now). I decided to have a little walk to our nearest park which is only about 5 minutes away. It's one thing I love about where I live in Liverpool, there's about 5 or 6 parks within 20 minutes walk, 2 of which are really pretty big and you can almost forget you're in the city completely. I just wish that sometimes the place was quieter, I got to the park and there were just people everywhere and I didn't feel comfortable just sitting down on the grass and reading my book so I just had a walk and went to the cake shop on the other side of the park to get some supplies I needed for cakes I'm making later in the week. There's a high school right by the park too so there were loads of school kids milling around and being loud and stuff and I just wished I had the whole park to myself to just sit and be quiet and relax.

I've decided to try and let myself have a bit of an easy time this week. I don't have too much I need to do and the weather looks like it's going to be so nice. I always feel guilty for letting myself have time off during the week but I'm going to be most likely running myself into the ground working this summer that I've decided I need to let myself have a bit of a break now before things get crazy then. It's difficult but I think I need it.

This weekend is going to be hard. It's the wedding at long last and I both really want to go and really don't want to go. Thinking about seeing how beautiful their wedding is going to be makes me want to cry. I want that. Selfishly I want the romance. I want the dress, the day, the cake, the words, the love. I want all of it and it's going to be hard seeing someone getting it all, especially when Dave is best man and will be busy most of the day and the anxiety of being with lots of people i dont know is also playing on my mind. I feel fat in my dress and I want to starve all week long, but my nerves are making me want to eat and eat. My mind is not a fun place to be this week.

Also, my Grandpa died on Thursday and it was a pretty big shock. It was fairly sudden, he wasn't in the best of health but he literally just sat down in his chair on Thursday morning, and passed away. It was so sad, but also just how he would have wanted. No drama, no pain, no tubes and wires, just peaceful. I just found out the funeral is next Tuesday. I haven't been to a funeral in many years and I know its going to be a very sad occasion. I have some really good memories of my Grandpa and he will be missed a lot.

I guess all of the drama from the past few weeks has really got me down. My body image is nothing short of HORRENDOUS and I know I've been eating too much/comfort eating to make myself feel better and it of course actually makes me feel bad in the long run, but I guess it's just the coping mechanism I've turned to. I'm not happy at the moment, and I don't know what to do or what to change to make me happy. For now I just want to enjoy the sun and ignore how enormous I feel.

Stupid. Disgusting. Waster.

I feel horrible. Sick. Fat. Stupid. I feel like I've been gaining, gaining, gaining the last couple of weeks. I know I've been stress eating. I've made that all to familiar switch from stress restricting to stress eating. I'm really worried about how unhappy I feel. How unsettled. How much I just want to run away and start again. Sometimes I wish I was 16 again and I could redo everything from then onwards, and then at least I also felt justified in feeling this messed up. I feel like such a failure for not being successful and where I want to be yet. I look around at all the people I went to school with and they're all in good jobs, or in other countries, doing a Masters, earning good money, and I've just started again at college. I feel like such a waster. I feel like I'm going to mess this up.

I KNOW I need to stop wishing my life away but I wish that the wedding was over by now. Meh. I want to write more but I feel too pathetic. What the fuck is the point really anyway?

SO, I don't know whether to keep writing in here honestly. My bf found this blog on Monday - I dunno if he's guna carrying on reading it if I do carry on. To be honest I don't mind, I'm trying to be much more honest and sometimes it's just easier to write things down. So yeah, I probably will keep writing and if he wants to read then it's fine, I don't wanna carry on keeping things secret, it's not done us any good.

I feel like absolute shit today. I couldn't wake up this morning, I kept trying to get up but my whole body fely so weak and heavy and tired, and I don't even know why. I feel like I'm doing so bad food wise, not in what/how I'm eating, but how I feel about it. I've been trying to just eat 'normally' but I'm finding at the moment that food is the only thing I feel like I can find comfort in. I want to eat everything, all the time and that's really scary. Everytime I eat I feel so hugely fat and it terrifies me that even when I'm done eating I want to carry on eating an eating just for comfort and to feel something. I feel like I've put on about 3 stone and it's horrible. I know that if I want to get back to eating normally and without a care then some weight gain is probably inevitable, and I'm really not sure how to handle that.

I just want to cry and eat and not eat and just have a cuddle to feel better. I've arranged to go and meet a guy on Saturday to discuss doing a work placement and I'm sooooo nervous. I don't even know why, but it's really getting to me. My anxiety is just through the fricking roof and I wish it was just over. I feel stupid and weak for even feeling like this.

I'm really freaking out about everything at the moment and I don't know what's going to happen. I just want to feel happy again. I can still remember what it feels like and I want it back so fucking badly.

Sorry

Sorry I haven't posted recently. I'm not doing well and I've found it hard to try and get my feelings down. I keep writing things and then thinking that they all sound stupid. I dont know what to do anymore. I had such a positive week a couple of weeks ago and then I came crashing down so hard and things are worse than ever. I'm not coping. I want to cry all the time. I'm not strong enough to do this again.

Confused, need some advice.

I'm feeling kinda on the edge of tears today and I'm not really sure why. Nothing bad has happened, I guess I'm just feeling down and so confused. I've been confused about a lot lately. I actually feel like I have ambition for the first time in my life. There's a lifestyle that I'm aiming for, and I'm not sure how to get there yet, but I know I'm prepared to work hard to get there. Before I kept telling myself to just go back to working in an office in a job I hate with no real prospects just so we can pay the bills etc, but I don't want to do that. That wouldn't make me happy. I want to embrace all of the things that I love doing. I want to travel and see the world. I want to see things, do things, experience as much as I can. I'm sick and tired of being scared of everything and I want to embrace the amazing things that go on in the world that I've spent so long shying away from.

I guess I'm a little scared that I know that that isn't what my bf wants to do I dont think. I know he's more of a comfortable home person, and I thought I was too. But I'm starting to realise now that I'm in a better place in my head that there's so much I want to do with my life. I'm not happy sitting at home every evening in front of the tv. I love curling up on the couch with him and spending time together, but not as the only thinbg we do. I want to experience all of these things with him, and I guess I just feel a little like he's holding me back. I love him so, so much, but sometimes I wish he'd play a more active role in his own life. I know with all he's been through he just wants a quiet life and that it's easier for him to numb out than really try and put some effort into doing things BUT that's not me anymore. I'm tired of looking forward to the weekends because that's the time I/we have to go and do amazing things and then just spending them sat on the couch because we cant be arsed to go out or do anything. I try and talk to him about all these things but he just closes off and wont talk. I'm not sure what to do. I've been cutting myself off from really looking for opportunities for myself because I knew that I wouldn't be able to do them practically being with him.

I just don't know what to do.