So I had a bit of a realisation today, a kind of 'A-ha!' moment. The last few months I've been massively struggling with the fact that I'm constantly surrounded by food and in situations where I'm controlling food that I make, whether it's for myself, other people, college, my portfolio, projects, etc. I mean I'm doing a professional baking and cake decorating course at college for fudge sake. I'd started to panic that this was both feeding and elevating my eating disorder and that having to be in situations where I was required to control food was not a good thing.
But then I realised something. I realised that I am passionate about creating food, especially amazing cakes, bakes and desserts, and this IS what I want to do with my life. I absolutely love it. I realised that if I want to get where I want to be in life I need to just accept the fact that I'm always going to obsessive and obsessing about food. I'm always going to be around it and I'm never going to find it easy BUT maybe thats ok. Maybe that is what is going to set me apart from the rest of the pack. I'm infinitely interested in everything to do with the creation of amazing food, and I love to experiment and the fact that food is constantly on my mind plays in my favour.
Whether is creating, baking, cooking, desigining, consuming, not consuming, food IS going to be the main part of my life. I've realised that my fear of this has been holding me back and letting this go will allow me to achieve my full potential. I have SO much ambition and I'm so ready to taking the steering wheel in my life. I'm beyond ready. I can't wait to start this journey with this new perspective.
Tuesday 28 February 2012
Sunday 26 February 2012
A Streetcar Named Desire.
OUCH!!! I've just finished working out like a crazy person and my arms are literally shaking so much I'm finding it hard to type, but I just wanted to update quickly while I have half an hour to myself. I know that working out so hard isn't so good from the ED point of view BUT I'm having a good weekend food wise in the sense that I haven't binged or purged, but I've eaten sensibly and I had a lot of energy so I wanted to work out. This week has been pretty good food and working out wise, I've been healthy and not purged once!!! But I've been working out hard every day instead and I feel sooooo much better for it!
The bf and I went to see 'A Streetcar named Desire' by Tennesee Williams at the theatre last night. It was brilliant! It was 3 hours long and even I managed to sit mostly still through the whole thing. I didn't know the story at all until I quickly read the synopsis yesterday (the bf got the tickets because he really wanted to see it) and even though the story is kinda grim, its just a brilliant story about people and their struggles in life. There's a film as well which apparantly is very good, so I would highly recommend it if it comes to a theatre near you :-).
So yeah, I just wanted to quickly update really and say that things are going pretty well, better than the last couple of weeks anyway. I've been eating healthily, working out and feeling better about myself. I've got lots of things I want to do this week and I'm feeling really positive about getting things going in my life. We've been talking a lot in college about the trip that we make at the end of the year. I cant wait! There's a big theme park in England called Alton Towers and every year the UK's biggest Bakery and Cake convention is held there in June. So we get to go to Alton Towers for the weekend, go to the convention, enter our competition cakes into the different competition catergories, and there's a black tie ball as well. It sounds amazing and, even though my anxiety is absolutely screaming in panic, I'm determined to get myself to a point where I can go and really enjoy myself.
Right, it's definitely time for a brew and then the bf should be home soon and we're going to have a movie evening. Think the new Muppets film and The Artist are on the list first :-) Hope you're all having a lovely weekend x
The bf and I went to see 'A Streetcar named Desire' by Tennesee Williams at the theatre last night. It was brilliant! It was 3 hours long and even I managed to sit mostly still through the whole thing. I didn't know the story at all until I quickly read the synopsis yesterday (the bf got the tickets because he really wanted to see it) and even though the story is kinda grim, its just a brilliant story about people and their struggles in life. There's a film as well which apparantly is very good, so I would highly recommend it if it comes to a theatre near you :-).
So yeah, I just wanted to quickly update really and say that things are going pretty well, better than the last couple of weeks anyway. I've been eating healthily, working out and feeling better about myself. I've got lots of things I want to do this week and I'm feeling really positive about getting things going in my life. We've been talking a lot in college about the trip that we make at the end of the year. I cant wait! There's a big theme park in England called Alton Towers and every year the UK's biggest Bakery and Cake convention is held there in June. So we get to go to Alton Towers for the weekend, go to the convention, enter our competition cakes into the different competition catergories, and there's a black tie ball as well. It sounds amazing and, even though my anxiety is absolutely screaming in panic, I'm determined to get myself to a point where I can go and really enjoy myself.
Right, it's definitely time for a brew and then the bf should be home soon and we're going to have a movie evening. Think the new Muppets film and The Artist are on the list first :-) Hope you're all having a lovely weekend x
Wednesday 22 February 2012
Secrets, lies and losses.
Ok, so after my week long binge last week, I decided that it was time for a change. Now that it's Lent, I've decided to set myself a 40 day long challenge to eat 'healthily'. I know that this is massively coming from my eating disorder, and that it's a way of tricking the people around me into thinking that I just want to get more healthy by giving up the junk food etc, and my bf actually called me out on it, and I didn't even really deny it that much, but at the moment we're so shut down to each other emotionally that he didn't press it, and that of course made my ED feel like it was winning.
I decided I needed to punish myself for being so weak last night, so I hopped on the scale this morning to shock myself into seeing the number, and I'd LOST weight. Not even a little loss (I weighed myself on Tuesday last week and I've been eating, eating, eating since then). I was actually at a lower weight than I was the time I weighed myself before that, which was the lowest I have been in about 5 years. What the juddering fuck!?!? I've been working out quite a bit it's true, and I've been MASSIVELY stressed, maybe it's just that, but now all I want to do is lose, lose, lose. I was convinced I'd gained so much since my last weigh in, so my 'healthy eating plan' was mostly so I could shit that weight, but it's not weight I have to shift, and now my brain is remembering back to previous goal weights I had when I was seriously into my ED before, and knows that I'm within striking distance of one I had for a long time.
I'm scared that I won't be able to stop once I get into losing again, but I'm scared because I don't want to stop. I still keep dreaming about being so thin, so beautiful (Logically I know thin doesn't equal beautiful, but try telling my brain that!), so confident, so strong. I feel like I'm already losing my passion for everything else that I love in my life other than losing weight. I'm going to get my hair cut now and then going shopping in town with my mum. I just need to focus.
I decided I needed to punish myself for being so weak last night, so I hopped on the scale this morning to shock myself into seeing the number, and I'd LOST weight. Not even a little loss (I weighed myself on Tuesday last week and I've been eating, eating, eating since then). I was actually at a lower weight than I was the time I weighed myself before that, which was the lowest I have been in about 5 years. What the juddering fuck!?!? I've been working out quite a bit it's true, and I've been MASSIVELY stressed, maybe it's just that, but now all I want to do is lose, lose, lose. I was convinced I'd gained so much since my last weigh in, so my 'healthy eating plan' was mostly so I could shit that weight, but it's not weight I have to shift, and now my brain is remembering back to previous goal weights I had when I was seriously into my ED before, and knows that I'm within striking distance of one I had for a long time.
I'm scared that I won't be able to stop once I get into losing again, but I'm scared because I don't want to stop. I still keep dreaming about being so thin, so beautiful (Logically I know thin doesn't equal beautiful, but try telling my brain that!), so confident, so strong. I feel like I'm already losing my passion for everything else that I love in my life other than losing weight. I'm going to get my hair cut now and then going shopping in town with my mum. I just need to focus.
Saturday 18 February 2012
Back bones
So yesterday was soooooo much fun. I finally managed to let my hair down, get out of my own head (for the most part) and just enjoy myself. I think the alcohol helped a lot, hmm, not brilliant I know and I did have a bit of a headache this morning, but I wasn't like wasted or anything, just nicely drunk enough to feel coonfident and chatty. I met up with a couple of all friends and it was sooooooo nice to catch up and see them. One of them commented on how 'tiny' I looked :-S. We didn't get back to the hotel til gone 3am! It was a lovely hotel too :-) we had champagne and a mahoosive bed. It was lovely.
At one point during the evening I'd gone to the bathroom and I think it was a disabled one so it was just like a big room with the loo and a low down mirror in. Anyway, I was wearing a playsuit (which I'd forgotten how much of a pain it is when you're on a night out) so I had to like proper strip off to go to the loo and I was trying not to look and my pretty much naked self in the mirror so I kinda turned away but as I did I caught a glimpse of my back in the mirror and I realised that I could proper see all of my ribs and spine from the back of me. It really surprised me because I'd been feeling huge up until that point and just for a fleeting moment I felt really skinny, and then it was gone. I'm not sure what to make of this, seeing those bones didn't fill me with a sense of achievement or happiness like it used to, which I guess is a good thing and shows I'm moving forward, but at the same time it did make me feel happy to feel thin and I felt more confident after that happened. I also realised how small my boobs have become and that makes me kinda sad, I miss having bigger boobs lol, I wish I could be skinny with big boobs, but I'm not blessed with those genes.
Ugh, so I don't know what to do or feel. I guess just carry on as I have been doing. Tonight is a dangerous night because we have soooooo much binge food in the house and Dave's gone to play his regular poker night with some of his friends so I'm on my own, and therefore I feel like I'm so set up for a binge. I'm going to try and just take it easy on myself, try and stick to what I have planned but not restrict. We'll see how it goes, I don't feel so hopeful, and my throat is killing me so much from straining it talking in bars last night so i REAAALLLLY don't want to be purging.
Anywho, I might write again later if I need some distraction. Have a nice evening lovelies!
At one point during the evening I'd gone to the bathroom and I think it was a disabled one so it was just like a big room with the loo and a low down mirror in. Anyway, I was wearing a playsuit (which I'd forgotten how much of a pain it is when you're on a night out) so I had to like proper strip off to go to the loo and I was trying not to look and my pretty much naked self in the mirror so I kinda turned away but as I did I caught a glimpse of my back in the mirror and I realised that I could proper see all of my ribs and spine from the back of me. It really surprised me because I'd been feeling huge up until that point and just for a fleeting moment I felt really skinny, and then it was gone. I'm not sure what to make of this, seeing those bones didn't fill me with a sense of achievement or happiness like it used to, which I guess is a good thing and shows I'm moving forward, but at the same time it did make me feel happy to feel thin and I felt more confident after that happened. I also realised how small my boobs have become and that makes me kinda sad, I miss having bigger boobs lol, I wish I could be skinny with big boobs, but I'm not blessed with those genes.
Ugh, so I don't know what to do or feel. I guess just carry on as I have been doing. Tonight is a dangerous night because we have soooooo much binge food in the house and Dave's gone to play his regular poker night with some of his friends so I'm on my own, and therefore I feel like I'm so set up for a binge. I'm going to try and just take it easy on myself, try and stick to what I have planned but not restrict. We'll see how it goes, I don't feel so hopeful, and my throat is killing me so much from straining it talking in bars last night so i REAAALLLLY don't want to be purging.
Anywho, I might write again later if I need some distraction. Have a nice evening lovelies!
Friday 17 February 2012
Finding 'Me'.
The bf and I are going to Manchester to stay in a nice hotel and have the Valentine's day that we didn't get to have. It'll be so nice to get away, even if it's just for the night. I've been trying on clothes all morning, you know when you just get into that mindset where everything you put on makes you feel MASSIVE. I finally picked an outfit I think is cute, and was firm with myself and decided that it doesn't matter if I feel like I look fat, or even if I do look fat, what does it matter? I mean that in a positive way, I mean that so many things have happened the last few months, and when worrying about my appearance should have been waaaaaaay down the list, it was always at the forefront, and I know that it's not just that simple. Its not like it's actually my appearance that is the big issue, that's not what the eating disordered part of me is. Argh, I don't know if this is making any sense. Anyway, the point is is that today I am just going to do my best to enjoy myself, not to worry what I look like, what I feel like, and I'm just going to see if I can find 'Me' again.
 |
| I love this outfit. Not feeling exactly confident, but it's time to stop worrying and start living. |
Thursday 16 February 2012
Suicidal parents.
Ok, SO, the last post I made I was feeling unbelivably awful, and I felt like I was just failing at everything. That was Monday, and since then things have been INSANE to the point that I don't even know how to feel or what to do.
Basically, and this is cutting a LONG story short, if you read my previous post before the last one I talked about my bf's dad and how he was having a bit of a meltdown. On Tuesday morning (Valentine's day) when my bf was in work he sent him a message basically saying he was off to kill himself. Of course my bf rushed out of work and round to his flat which is fortunately just round the corner, and found that his dad had gone, and there were empty pill boxes everywhere (anti-depressants, sleeping pills, cold and flu stuff, paracetamol, cough syrup etc). So about 11am I got this grief stricken call from my bf asking if I could come round to his dad's because he was there with the police and that he'd gone off and taken loads of pills, so of course I rushed over there. Again, long story short, we spent all of Valentine's Day worried sick, and his dad kept turning his phone on and off, and as horrible as it sounds even my bf said, he was just doing that to check that everyone was running around after him.
The police eventually managed to track his phone to Southport (about 30 miles away from here) and later about 8pm on Tuesday found him in a complete state after taking all the pills and also having alcohol and god knows what else. So they took him to the hospital in Southport and neither me or my bf drive so we couldn't get there at that point. They kept him in Wednesday and he was still just out of it while they got all the stuff out of his system and then we were going to go down today to take him some stuff today but then we found out this morning that they were moving him to a psychiatric unit nearer to where we live. My bf is currently down there taking him his stuff and sorting things out, but he's going to have to get evaluated again at this place before they decide what they're going to do with him next.
I know it's totally hypocritical but I cant help feeling so angry at him. He's done things like this before, but it's obviously always a cry for help/attention seeking thing because he always goes out into public for his 'suicide attempts'. For instance, once he went into a pub, smashed a glass and sliced his wrists in front of everyone. I know from personal experience that if you're serious about killing yourself, you don't do things like that. You stay away from sight of anyone, and whilst yes I know that he must be seriously mentally ill to do all the things he has done, I can't help feeling angry that he does such destructive things that affect so many people. I always say, 'You hurt me and I'll forgive you most days of the week, you hurt someone I love and hell hath no fury!'
I'm trying so hard to be sympathetic, because I know that I've done similar things when I was younger, and I'm defiintely going to sit down and write some pretty serious apologies to my parents and some other people for putting them through what I now know to be such an utterly devastating ordeal.
I've just had to do my best this week to push all my shit to the back of my mind and just be there for my bf and offer as much support as I can. I'm starting to realise just how much of a burden we all put on him, and he needs support as much as the rest of us! He's had to deal with his dad doing things like this since he was really quite young, and it's always fallen to him to deal with it. I'm really not doing well mentally, but I need to be there for him. I'm just waiting for him to let me know he's on his way home so I can make him some dinner, as soon as he went out I started working out like crazy until I thought I was going to be sick and pass out. But in sme weird way, I feel like that helped me to get out some of the issues I've been trying to keep in the last few days.
Basically, and this is cutting a LONG story short, if you read my previous post before the last one I talked about my bf's dad and how he was having a bit of a meltdown. On Tuesday morning (Valentine's day) when my bf was in work he sent him a message basically saying he was off to kill himself. Of course my bf rushed out of work and round to his flat which is fortunately just round the corner, and found that his dad had gone, and there were empty pill boxes everywhere (anti-depressants, sleeping pills, cold and flu stuff, paracetamol, cough syrup etc). So about 11am I got this grief stricken call from my bf asking if I could come round to his dad's because he was there with the police and that he'd gone off and taken loads of pills, so of course I rushed over there. Again, long story short, we spent all of Valentine's Day worried sick, and his dad kept turning his phone on and off, and as horrible as it sounds even my bf said, he was just doing that to check that everyone was running around after him.
The police eventually managed to track his phone to Southport (about 30 miles away from here) and later about 8pm on Tuesday found him in a complete state after taking all the pills and also having alcohol and god knows what else. So they took him to the hospital in Southport and neither me or my bf drive so we couldn't get there at that point. They kept him in Wednesday and he was still just out of it while they got all the stuff out of his system and then we were going to go down today to take him some stuff today but then we found out this morning that they were moving him to a psychiatric unit nearer to where we live. My bf is currently down there taking him his stuff and sorting things out, but he's going to have to get evaluated again at this place before they decide what they're going to do with him next.
I know it's totally hypocritical but I cant help feeling so angry at him. He's done things like this before, but it's obviously always a cry for help/attention seeking thing because he always goes out into public for his 'suicide attempts'. For instance, once he went into a pub, smashed a glass and sliced his wrists in front of everyone. I know from personal experience that if you're serious about killing yourself, you don't do things like that. You stay away from sight of anyone, and whilst yes I know that he must be seriously mentally ill to do all the things he has done, I can't help feeling angry that he does such destructive things that affect so many people. I always say, 'You hurt me and I'll forgive you most days of the week, you hurt someone I love and hell hath no fury!'
I'm trying so hard to be sympathetic, because I know that I've done similar things when I was younger, and I'm defiintely going to sit down and write some pretty serious apologies to my parents and some other people for putting them through what I now know to be such an utterly devastating ordeal.
I've just had to do my best this week to push all my shit to the back of my mind and just be there for my bf and offer as much support as I can. I'm starting to realise just how much of a burden we all put on him, and he needs support as much as the rest of us! He's had to deal with his dad doing things like this since he was really quite young, and it's always fallen to him to deal with it. I'm really not doing well mentally, but I need to be there for him. I'm just waiting for him to let me know he's on his way home so I can make him some dinner, as soon as he went out I started working out like crazy until I thought I was going to be sick and pass out. But in sme weird way, I feel like that helped me to get out some of the issues I've been trying to keep in the last few days.
Monday 13 February 2012
Whatever makes me think that I could ever amount to anything? I should never have left work because I thought I could actually make something of myself. I've never succeeded at anything, I always fail. And now we have no money because I thought that for once I could actually succeed. But I'm a failure. And I'll always be a failure.
Also, my throat hurts so much from purging. Ugh.
Also, my throat hurts so much from purging. Ugh.
Sunday 12 February 2012
Damage control
This weekend has not been good. AGAIN. I honestly can't remember the last time I did have a good weekend eating wise. Yesterday we went to see a couple of Dave's friends who are getting married in 7 weeks so everything was just wedding, wedding, wedding stuff and because we havent told anyone we got 'un-engaged' they kept asking about our wedding and I kept trying to fend them off but then I we went the pub and had a couple of drinks and when they asked next I proper went off on what we were planning and got really excited about stuff, until I realised that it wasn't actually happening and I crashed hard. We got the last train back into town and went out for a guy from work's birthday so I drank more and got upset. I managed not to cause any big arguments which is good, I think I caught myself just before it got to that and came home and went to bed. Today I've just been binging, I've just been craving sweet stuff all day and we have so much of it in the house and I just feel so sick and tired I didn't even try and stop myself.
Since Friday everything has been so stressful cos Dave's having a big family crisis and its pretty scary. I can't go into details, but I don't know whats going to happen and that scares me and my anxiety has been insane. I feel like whenever things are rough the eating disordered part of me seizes the opportunity wriggle its way back in because it knows I don't have the strength to fight it.
I know that today is going to be bad food wise, but I feel like I need to do some serious damage control and make a food plan and STICK to it. I need to stop the b/p'ing and if that means that I end up restricting this week then so be it, I'm trying to take some advice and realise that I cannot fight everything at once. I just can't take the binging anymore, so I'm going to sit down tonight and make a meticulous plan. I haven't got college this week which is both a blessing and a curse, it's nice to have a week off, but it also means I don't have anything to focus on. I need to give myself a project for this week. I want to work out a lot more than I have been doing because I feel so lazy. If I can stick to my plan this week, I think I'll be okay. Valentine's day is gonig to be a hard one to stick to, but I need to try. I just need to try, and if I fail, I'll pick myself up and try again.
Since Friday everything has been so stressful cos Dave's having a big family crisis and its pretty scary. I can't go into details, but I don't know whats going to happen and that scares me and my anxiety has been insane. I feel like whenever things are rough the eating disordered part of me seizes the opportunity wriggle its way back in because it knows I don't have the strength to fight it.
I know that today is going to be bad food wise, but I feel like I need to do some serious damage control and make a food plan and STICK to it. I need to stop the b/p'ing and if that means that I end up restricting this week then so be it, I'm trying to take some advice and realise that I cannot fight everything at once. I just can't take the binging anymore, so I'm going to sit down tonight and make a meticulous plan. I haven't got college this week which is both a blessing and a curse, it's nice to have a week off, but it also means I don't have anything to focus on. I need to give myself a project for this week. I want to work out a lot more than I have been doing because I feel so lazy. If I can stick to my plan this week, I think I'll be okay. Valentine's day is gonig to be a hard one to stick to, but I need to try. I just need to try, and if I fail, I'll pick myself up and try again.
Friday 10 February 2012
ARRGGHH!!!! Upset :-(
So I'm sat at home waiting for my bf to come in from work, lookin forward to it soooooooooo much because I've had such a rough day and I've been looking forward to Friday evening ALL week. Anyway, he finishes at 4 and then he was guna go and see his dad for an hour and then come home so he should've been back by half 5. Anyway, I just got a text from him saying he doesn't know what time he'll be home cos he's scared to leave his dad on his own.
I'm sorry if any of this next bit sounds selfish, I know it probably makes me sound like a bitch but I just need to vent. Ok, I know his dad suffers from depression and gets really bad, especially when he's been drinking, but my bf spend literally all his teenage years looking after him and coming home to find him attempting suicide, and I think it robbed him of so much. I worry about him every time that he goes round there because his dad sucks him back into that world and I know that he feels really guilty for moving out but he's 26 years old and he's the youngest of 3 brothers and he still gets lumbered with all the responsibility of looking after him. I completely understand that his dad needs help but it's NOT Dave's job to be his constant carer and its not fair that he makes him feel guilty for not being there 24/7 watching him. He's never been the father in their relationship and it's always fallen on Dave to be the responsible person.
I guess the selfish part is that I know his dad is most likely having a serious depressive episode and needs help, but I'm just so upset that today has just gone so wrong and I cannot cope when plans go so wrong. I was just so looking forward to my bf coming home and us having a nice relaxing evening and now it's ruined and I know that he's going to come in later so depressed and drained from his dad dragging him down and it's just going to ruin the whole weekend. I'm so angry and annoyed and upset and I'm worried about him and I wish he'd just come straight home from work. I hate not knowing what's going on, my anxiety just cannot handle in and my brain starts racing to all the worst case scenarios. I think I need to go and just have a bit of a cry or something.
I'm sorry if any of this next bit sounds selfish, I know it probably makes me sound like a bitch but I just need to vent. Ok, I know his dad suffers from depression and gets really bad, especially when he's been drinking, but my bf spend literally all his teenage years looking after him and coming home to find him attempting suicide, and I think it robbed him of so much. I worry about him every time that he goes round there because his dad sucks him back into that world and I know that he feels really guilty for moving out but he's 26 years old and he's the youngest of 3 brothers and he still gets lumbered with all the responsibility of looking after him. I completely understand that his dad needs help but it's NOT Dave's job to be his constant carer and its not fair that he makes him feel guilty for not being there 24/7 watching him. He's never been the father in their relationship and it's always fallen on Dave to be the responsible person.
I guess the selfish part is that I know his dad is most likely having a serious depressive episode and needs help, but I'm just so upset that today has just gone so wrong and I cannot cope when plans go so wrong. I was just so looking forward to my bf coming home and us having a nice relaxing evening and now it's ruined and I know that he's going to come in later so depressed and drained from his dad dragging him down and it's just going to ruin the whole weekend. I'm so angry and annoyed and upset and I'm worried about him and I wish he'd just come straight home from work. I hate not knowing what's going on, my anxiety just cannot handle in and my brain starts racing to all the worst case scenarios. I think I need to go and just have a bit of a cry or something.
It's so frickin cold in my house but I'm determined not to put the heating on because we got a bill through today for £529 for gas and leccy!!!!!! We seriously cannot afford that right now, it's insane and I'm proper freaking out cos I don't know what we're guna do but anyway. Just happens to be the absolute coldest time of the year at the moment too, it's barely got above freezing all week so I'm sat here wrapped up in about 10 layers and I'm still freezing. I've always, always been cold for pretty much the last 8 years, so I don't know why I'm not used to it. My bf thinks I'm crazy cos even when we're in the pub sat next to the fire I'm still wearing a t-shirt, a jumper and a hoodie. My circulation is still seriously poor and I still have low blood pressure so it's not surprising really but its just miserable in the winter time :-(
I was meant to be in college all day today, but I came home at lunch time, I just couldn't handle being there. It's horrible because I love college so much, but my anxiety has been so bad this week, just leaving the house has been insanely hard. I went to all my important lessons though and I asked the tutor what we'd be doing and it was just practising what we learnt last week, and it was stuff that I could do at home so that's good at least. I just hare this feeling, I gave up work to do this and now I feel like I'm failing at it, it's horrible and I just want to cry.
When I got home and found that bill it just added to my anxiety ten-fold. My bf calmed me down a bit but then I went on a massive b/p spree. I knew it was coming and I'd been trying to stop it but I just couldn't hold off anymore and as unhealthy it is to say, it actually seemed to make some of my anxiety subside. That is DEFINITELY not a good thing and not something which I will be looking at a coping mechanism! I know I'll be eating again later with my bf though so it's ok, and I will keep that down, even though I know it's Friday and he'll probably want to get something like a take-away, but I need to put my healthy head on and make some better choices. This weekend is going to be super busy and I need all the strength I can get!
Right, he should be home soon so I'm going to go and make some coffee and try and warm these icicles that used to be my fingers!
Have a lovely weekend :-) x
I was meant to be in college all day today, but I came home at lunch time, I just couldn't handle being there. It's horrible because I love college so much, but my anxiety has been so bad this week, just leaving the house has been insanely hard. I went to all my important lessons though and I asked the tutor what we'd be doing and it was just practising what we learnt last week, and it was stuff that I could do at home so that's good at least. I just hare this feeling, I gave up work to do this and now I feel like I'm failing at it, it's horrible and I just want to cry.
When I got home and found that bill it just added to my anxiety ten-fold. My bf calmed me down a bit but then I went on a massive b/p spree. I knew it was coming and I'd been trying to stop it but I just couldn't hold off anymore and as unhealthy it is to say, it actually seemed to make some of my anxiety subside. That is DEFINITELY not a good thing and not something which I will be looking at a coping mechanism! I know I'll be eating again later with my bf though so it's ok, and I will keep that down, even though I know it's Friday and he'll probably want to get something like a take-away, but I need to put my healthy head on and make some better choices. This weekend is going to be super busy and I need all the strength I can get!
Right, he should be home soon so I'm going to go and make some coffee and try and warm these icicles that used to be my fingers!
Have a lovely weekend :-) x
Thursday 9 February 2012
Always anxious, all the time.
I feel like I've been bordering on a panic attack all week. I've binged every day so far, despite lying awake for hours when I go to bed, meticuliously making a game plan to avoid binging the next day. I haven't purged every time I've binged either which I think is adding to the anxiety because I just can't deal with weight gain at the moment. I just cant. I've taken the batteries out of my scales in the hope that if I do get the urge to weigh myself I won't be able to just jump on the scales quickly and see the number, and that I'll be able to talk myself round before I've got them working again. It might work, it might not, but it was worth a try.
I'm in college a bit later today, and I'm feeling horribly anxious about it. There's only one person in my group that I really get on with and I feel really socially awkward around every one else and get really panicky. The group has broken off into 3 pretty much, the ones who are staright from school and are like 16/17, the twenty somethings who all have kids, and women in the their 50s/60s who are retired and want to get into cake decorating and something to do. I don't fit into any of these, age wise I fit in with the twenty somethings but I don't have kids, and they're always talking about their kids and it upsets me because I still just cant handle being around people with kids and stuff. Anyway, so I always feel really left out, and the one person I really get on with sent me a message before saying she's got the flu and isn't going to be in this week at all and so I'm just feeling so panicky and full of anxiety. As soon as I read the message I started thinking about ways that I could get away with not going to college. I hate it, I want to just be able to enjoy college and I feel like my anxiety is ruining everything.
SO in light of this, I've made a big decision. I've decided to finally make a doctors appointment and talk to her about my anxiety. It's scary and is causing a lot of anxiety in itself but its something I just need to do. I can't carry on living like this.
I'm in college a bit later today, and I'm feeling horribly anxious about it. There's only one person in my group that I really get on with and I feel really socially awkward around every one else and get really panicky. The group has broken off into 3 pretty much, the ones who are staright from school and are like 16/17, the twenty somethings who all have kids, and women in the their 50s/60s who are retired and want to get into cake decorating and something to do. I don't fit into any of these, age wise I fit in with the twenty somethings but I don't have kids, and they're always talking about their kids and it upsets me because I still just cant handle being around people with kids and stuff. Anyway, so I always feel really left out, and the one person I really get on with sent me a message before saying she's got the flu and isn't going to be in this week at all and so I'm just feeling so panicky and full of anxiety. As soon as I read the message I started thinking about ways that I could get away with not going to college. I hate it, I want to just be able to enjoy college and I feel like my anxiety is ruining everything.
SO in light of this, I've made a big decision. I've decided to finally make a doctors appointment and talk to her about my anxiety. It's scary and is causing a lot of anxiety in itself but its something I just need to do. I can't carry on living like this.
Tuesday 7 February 2012
Getting blamed for other people's mistakes.
So, I'm having a bit of a nightmare of a day and it's not even midday. It started really well though, I got up early and waved the bf off to work, did a bit of reading and tidying and was feeling pretty good. It was a crystal clear day and the sky looked so blue, and it's like minus 3 degrees so there was icicles hanging off everything and it was all so pretty.
I had an appointment at half 10 so I got ready and headed out. I started feeling really crappy when I was walking there and started getting stabby stabby pains in my stomach. I arrived at what should've been a super quick 5 minute appointment and then I have an order for a cake to do for this afternoon so I was thinking in my head I'd be back by 11 which would give me 5 hours to do the cake, which was pretty much just about enough. After sitting there for 20 minutes I was called over and told that this appointment was meant to be a much more extensive interview and that it was meant to be last week (I actually have a letter with my appointments on which they gave me, so I know for a fact they didn't tell me this) and that they were now doing me a favour by getting it rescheduled for 1pm today and that I'd have to 'make my case' for why I didn't attend this appointment last week.
So I left there at about 11 with one of those like 'what just happened' faces and now with the added annoyance that I had to go back for an 'extensive' appointment in two hours. I rushed home to see if I could get the cake baked quickly, and then maybe, possibly I might have time to finish it quickly when I got back after my appointment. Bad idea! I forget how unbelievably clumsy I become when I'm rushing and long story short I managed to drop the eggs that I needed and break just enough of them that I now don't have enough to make it. Awesome. So I DEFINITELY do not have time to go out, get more eggs, come back and get the cake baked before I have to leave to go back to my frickin appointment and at best I'll only have 2 hours when I get home before he leaves and that's simply just not enough time to complete it. So, I've had to just ask really really apologetically if tomorrow would be ok to deliver in instead and now I'm feeling like such a massive failure for letting him down, even though it's because of someone else's fuck up. Arrgghhh!!! And this is all on top of the insane amount of anxiety I have whenever plans get changed! I'm so annoyed, and while all this has been going on my stomach pains have been getting worse and all I wanna do is curl up in a ball and sleep all day. I've got about an hour now before I have to leave for my appointment again and I kinda just want to go for a walk and calm down but it's really icy everywhere so I think I'm going to try and settle to my book for a little bit.
I had an appointment at half 10 so I got ready and headed out. I started feeling really crappy when I was walking there and started getting stabby stabby pains in my stomach. I arrived at what should've been a super quick 5 minute appointment and then I have an order for a cake to do for this afternoon so I was thinking in my head I'd be back by 11 which would give me 5 hours to do the cake, which was pretty much just about enough. After sitting there for 20 minutes I was called over and told that this appointment was meant to be a much more extensive interview and that it was meant to be last week (I actually have a letter with my appointments on which they gave me, so I know for a fact they didn't tell me this) and that they were now doing me a favour by getting it rescheduled for 1pm today and that I'd have to 'make my case' for why I didn't attend this appointment last week.
So I left there at about 11 with one of those like 'what just happened' faces and now with the added annoyance that I had to go back for an 'extensive' appointment in two hours. I rushed home to see if I could get the cake baked quickly, and then maybe, possibly I might have time to finish it quickly when I got back after my appointment. Bad idea! I forget how unbelievably clumsy I become when I'm rushing and long story short I managed to drop the eggs that I needed and break just enough of them that I now don't have enough to make it. Awesome. So I DEFINITELY do not have time to go out, get more eggs, come back and get the cake baked before I have to leave to go back to my frickin appointment and at best I'll only have 2 hours when I get home before he leaves and that's simply just not enough time to complete it. So, I've had to just ask really really apologetically if tomorrow would be ok to deliver in instead and now I'm feeling like such a massive failure for letting him down, even though it's because of someone else's fuck up. Arrgghhh!!! And this is all on top of the insane amount of anxiety I have whenever plans get changed! I'm so annoyed, and while all this has been going on my stomach pains have been getting worse and all I wanna do is curl up in a ball and sleep all day. I've got about an hour now before I have to leave for my appointment again and I kinda just want to go for a walk and calm down but it's really icy everywhere so I think I'm going to try and settle to my book for a little bit.
Monday 6 February 2012
Positive
I only have five minutes to update because I'm having a super busy day and just waiting for my second load of washing to finish so I can put the third in before I go out. I'm feeling really super anxious at the moment because it's Dave's first day on dayshift, and I know that it's going to be really difficult adjusting to the new shift for both of us. He's been on night shift for the last 6 years, and that's a seriously long time to not do a normal 9-5, and I'm so proud of him for making such a big change in his life for a positive reason so he can have more time to find what he wants to do in life. Anyway, like I've said before, I'm really anxious about not having evenings to myself anymore, and that I'll have to start eating more normally. I'm going to be doing the cooking in the evening though, so at least I still have the control of deciding and making what we eat.
This weekend wasn't good food wise. I binged on Saturday pretty bad BUT I didn't purge, which both made me feel proud of myself, and like a MASSIVE failure at the same time. My stomach seriously didn't appreciate it and I spent most of the night in seeeeerious pain. I didn't punish myself though, when I woke up on Sunday, I wanted to starve all day, but I didn't, I made myself eat normally and healthily and that made me feel quite proud, but unfortunately also made me feel soooooo big!
I'm really trying to be serious about getting better at the moment, I have some seriously big reasons to be healthy right now, and I need to hold onto them as hard as I can during the bad days. I know I can do it this time, I AM going to be happy and healthy.
This weekend wasn't good food wise. I binged on Saturday pretty bad BUT I didn't purge, which both made me feel proud of myself, and like a MASSIVE failure at the same time. My stomach seriously didn't appreciate it and I spent most of the night in seeeeerious pain. I didn't punish myself though, when I woke up on Sunday, I wanted to starve all day, but I didn't, I made myself eat normally and healthily and that made me feel quite proud, but unfortunately also made me feel soooooo big!
I'm really trying to be serious about getting better at the moment, I have some seriously big reasons to be healthy right now, and I need to hold onto them as hard as I can during the bad days. I know I can do it this time, I AM going to be happy and healthy.
Friday 3 February 2012
Causing disordered eating when trying to avoid a binge.
Ok so I'm finding it difficult to make the distinction between eating sensibly in the sense of not causing a binge, and eating in a disordered manner. By this I mean in the actual physical process of eating something. For instance, right now I'm eating my dinner. I keep telling myself to take my time and eat slowly, distract myself by doing something else at the same time, take breaks to let myself naturally get to a full point etc and I started doing this purely from the point of view that if I ate in this way that it would be less likely to cause a binge. But even though my actions were all from a positive eating point of view, I'm now sat here 2 hours later and I've still only eaten half of what I planned on, and now it feels like my efforts have turned completely into disordered habits. When on my own, I eat at a very slow pace anyway, I can't help it, it seems like unless I am binging I have literally lost the ability to eat at a normal pace without feeling physcially sick, and I know this drives my bf and family up the wall especially when we're eating out. But anyway, when on my own, this is so heightened, and I guess I've been so concentrated on avoiding the binging side that the symptoms at the other end of the scale have managed to waltz back into my eating habits without me even noticing. I can't seem to keep focused on both things at once, and combat them both at the same time.
Thursday 2 February 2012
The Rainbow Cake (with pictures!)
So I was feeling utterly, utterly devastated yesterday, and today felt like it was going the same way. We made pizza in college and I LOVE pizza. With the things we make we can either take them home or if we don't they get sold in the bakery shop, but usually I just take things with me because I'd be going straight to work and then I just give what I've made to people in work. Without thinking I took all 4 pizzas I'd made with me and then only realised on my way home that I wasn't going to work and that I was taking them home with me, and it's going to be sooooo hard not to binge on them. I know Dave will have one for his supper when he gets in (they're only small individual ones) and I'm toying with trying to have one or half of one for dinner myself, but I'm scared it'll turn into me binging on all 3 of them.
Anyway, on a much brighter side I was massively cheered up when the guy I did the rainbow cake sent me a picture of it cut all the way through and it just looks so good and he said that everyone was so impressed by it that he's sending lots of customers my way and I just felt so proud of myself that I'm actually good at something. I've actually got off my arse and found something that I love doing and that's a lot of hard work, but is producting some really good things. It just lifted my mood a little so I thought I'd post some piccies from start to finish.
P.S. Just a little aside. I have just settled down to a nice relaxing evening in front of the tv and I set reminders for The Biggest Loser, followed by Britain's Next Top Model, followed by The Roux Legacy. I just stopped and realised how massively weight and food focused all of the programmes I enjoy watching are :-S
Anyway, on a much brighter side I was massively cheered up when the guy I did the rainbow cake sent me a picture of it cut all the way through and it just looks so good and he said that everyone was so impressed by it that he's sending lots of customers my way and I just felt so proud of myself that I'm actually good at something. I've actually got off my arse and found something that I love doing and that's a lot of hard work, but is producting some really good things. It just lifted my mood a little so I thought I'd post some piccies from start to finish.
P.S. Just a little aside. I have just settled down to a nice relaxing evening in front of the tv and I set reminders for The Biggest Loser, followed by Britain's Next Top Model, followed by The Roux Legacy. I just stopped and realised how massively weight and food focused all of the programmes I enjoy watching are :-S
 |
| Funky coloured batter |
 |
| The colourful offcuts |
 |
| Layered and buttercreamed |
 |
| Covered in sugarpaste |
 |
| Finally finished with edible markers for the writing and a red ribbon |
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Cut into!!! Very happy with the result!
|
Wednesday 1 February 2012
I need help.
I need to talk to someone. I just want to cry and cry and cry and there's no one I can talk to. I can't keep this is anymore. I just need some help but I don't feel like there's anyone I can reach out to. I don't know what to do anymore.
This place is so empty, my thoughts are so tempting, I don't know how it got so bad. - Sum 41
This place is so empty, my thoughts are so tempting, I don't know how it got so bad. - Sum 41
Weak.
My whole body feels so weak and exhausted today. It's been like below freezing all day and my hands have been so cold that I can barely move my fingers no matter what I do. I'm sat here wearing about 5 layers, and my big fleecey robe, and I have the heating on and I'm still pretty chilly. I went for a walk in the park today for some exercise, and it was so cold but so amazingly clear and the sky was so blue, and I found myself looking forward to summer so much. I always think that this year will be different and that I'll feel comfortable in little shorts and t-shirts, but I never, ever do and I always end up still trying to cover up as much as I can, or wearing long floaty things.
I really badly want to just eat 'normally' today because I feel so weak and I know that Thursdays and Fridays are always so crazy and I need A LOT of energy for them, but everytime I go to the kitchen so make myself something I get so overwhelmed and I don't know what to make, and it's so cold in my kitchen, so I just end up making a cup of tea and leaving without any food. I feel like I need something substantial, but I keep freaking out about the calories. I've been stuck at the same weight for the last week and I feel so frustrated, part of me wants to starve harder, and part of me just wants to consume the entire contents of my kitchen so I have an excuse to feel like a failure.
For the first time since being off work I don't have anything I need to do tonight. I've finished my college work and I delivered all my cake orders, and I just wanted to take this evening and have a relax but it's only 6pm and I'm already feeling bored and frustrated. I know I should use my time constructively, but I feel so crappy and achey that I just want to lie on my couch.
I know I shouldn't wish my time away, but I really cant wait for this week to be over. Friday evening cannot come quick enough! I'm horribly anxiety riddled about all the decisions and changes that are going to be happening from next week, and I keep getting myself so worked up about how things are going to pan out, so I just need them to be happening now so I can actually deal with them, rather than having anxiety attacks about how I'm not going to be able to deal with them, if that makes any sense. I need to talk to someone about everything so badly, but I don't have anyone in my life who's in a position that I can unload to at the moment, and I don't want to be a burden any more than I already am to the people I love. A big part of me really wants to get wasted so I don't have to deal with any of this, and that really worries me because I've spent a long time getting myself to a stage where I can face my feelings and be open about them rather than hiding them behind unhealthy behaviours, and the last couple of weeks that's all I've been doing. Meh, and now I just feel like I'm being completely self-involved and self-centred. Blarrrghgghhhgh!!!
I really badly want to just eat 'normally' today because I feel so weak and I know that Thursdays and Fridays are always so crazy and I need A LOT of energy for them, but everytime I go to the kitchen so make myself something I get so overwhelmed and I don't know what to make, and it's so cold in my kitchen, so I just end up making a cup of tea and leaving without any food. I feel like I need something substantial, but I keep freaking out about the calories. I've been stuck at the same weight for the last week and I feel so frustrated, part of me wants to starve harder, and part of me just wants to consume the entire contents of my kitchen so I have an excuse to feel like a failure.
For the first time since being off work I don't have anything I need to do tonight. I've finished my college work and I delivered all my cake orders, and I just wanted to take this evening and have a relax but it's only 6pm and I'm already feeling bored and frustrated. I know I should use my time constructively, but I feel so crappy and achey that I just want to lie on my couch.
I know I shouldn't wish my time away, but I really cant wait for this week to be over. Friday evening cannot come quick enough! I'm horribly anxiety riddled about all the decisions and changes that are going to be happening from next week, and I keep getting myself so worked up about how things are going to pan out, so I just need them to be happening now so I can actually deal with them, rather than having anxiety attacks about how I'm not going to be able to deal with them, if that makes any sense. I need to talk to someone about everything so badly, but I don't have anyone in my life who's in a position that I can unload to at the moment, and I don't want to be a burden any more than I already am to the people I love. A big part of me really wants to get wasted so I don't have to deal with any of this, and that really worries me because I've spent a long time getting myself to a stage where I can face my feelings and be open about them rather than hiding them behind unhealthy behaviours, and the last couple of weeks that's all I've been doing. Meh, and now I just feel like I'm being completely self-involved and self-centred. Blarrrghgghhhgh!!!
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