Sooooooo......

 I got married!!!!!!

Sleep well, sweetheart.

When I woke up this morning and checked my phone I realised that it's 6 months ago today that I had a miscarriage. I knew it was coming up but I'd been trying to ignore it, squashing down all those feelings and doing exactly the opposite of dealing with it in a healthy way. I've been so down recently and I knew that I just didn't have the strength to fight it today.

I knew that I was going to binge today. I just wasn't strong enough to fight it, but so far I am managing to do some damage control. I took myself out for a walk seeing as its a glorious day outside, I did a lot of thinking about other things to distract me, I bought some fruit that I could fill up on, and I tried not to push myself or feel guilty for not doing much today. I've had a real problem with that recently, thinking I should be doing more and that I'm lazy and a waste of space when I'm not busy busy busy all the time. I have let myself graze throughout the day, on fairly healthy things, fruit and crackers and bran flakes. I know I'm basically having a day long binge and I'm not eating any 'proper' meals, but by eating little bits of things all day, I can keep myself from having a proper full on face stuffing binge which leads to purging. I'm confident that I wont purge today. I've also exercised a lot today which has helped keep the guilty feelings down, again I know its not amazingly healthy, mind wise, but I'm just doing the best I can.

I know that basically letting myself have a binge and not trying to stop it isn't healthy, and also not forcing myself to stick to a sensible meal plan, but I have to remember that it's one day, and tomorrow I will get back on track. I need to remember that I can't deal with everything all at once, and right here right now seeing as that I've had to spend the whole day and evening on my own (Dave's on a course tonight) I just need to deal with the issues in hand. Fortunately I got a call from the counselling service today and I should be starting with them soon so I know that I'll FINALLY be able to work through all of this and actually deal with it rather than squashing it down and down.

Its only 6:15pm, and Dave will be home about half 9, but I have the next 3 hours planned out with what I'm going to do so I don't just stand in the kitchen and stuff myself. I'm proud of myself for doing everything I can to keep this under control today, but I feel so weak and so broken. I'm still so sad, at the moment it seems like barely 5 minutes go by without me thinking about it. I'm tired of this ruling my life, but I miss my baby so much and I'd give anything to have that happy feeling back when we were going to be a family. I know it hurts Dave to, but sometimes I just don't want to bring it up all the time and bring him down too. But I'm also so tired of keeping it to myself and smiling when I'm hurting.

Sleep well, sweetheart. I miss you and I'll always love you.

I want to run away. I want to change absolutely everything. I have this stupid idea of the 'perfect' life, and I know that if I had it, it wouldn't be perfect but I feel like I'm always striving for something that doesn't exist, looking forward to things that never match up to my expectations.

I don't know if I'm even making any sense. I've felt really out of it the last couple of days, I've upped my medication whilst also starting on my new anxiety meds and I feel like I've just crashed. I feel sick and headachey and really really depressed and just so bloody low that I just want to get out. I dont know where to, I just need a change. I know that it's all down to me, and that I'm blaming my feeling like this on external factors, when it's me that doesn't have the motivation, the drive and the belief in myself. I know that I have a really good life, I'm lucky enough to be doing what I want to be doing at college, and yes I have big big regrets about leaving a job that a lot of people would kill for, and a big part of me wishes that I'd never done that and that I'd been stronger and stuck it out and now I think that things would be a lot better. I'm constantly worried about money, about what happens in the future, about the huge gap between what I want and what I think is achievable.

It scares me that I have to literally fight myself out of bed in the morning. The weather is gorgeous today and usually all I'd want to do is be outside, walking in the warm sunshine. But right now all I want to do is sit inside, watch shit on tv and hide from the world. What happened to me? I remember a time when I was happy. I can still remember what that felt like, just. I want that back, I want that feeling back more than anything. I want to stop picturing this false perfect life and start enjoying my own again. But I don't know how, I dont know who to turn to or what to do to change. I'm still waiting on counselling from my doctors, they said it could take up to 6 weeks and that was only 2 weeks ago.

I hate the way I'm feeling in my body at the moment. I feel like I'm massively comfort eating and control eating, and it feels like I've been gaining and gaining massively, and I don't know if I am or not, I'm not weighing myself. Weirdly only a few days ago I felt really small and I managed to keep myself from stepping on the scale and demoralising myself, and I was proud of myself for that, and now I feel like a fricking elephant. I just hate this. I hate feeling like this so much.

I cant seem to concentrate anymore. It's taken me like an hour just to get this down because I just cant seem to make my brain to stop racing off somewhere else. I want to feel numb. I want to stop feeling everything so much. I just cant handle it anymore.

Dark days.

I've been having some really dark days recently. I finally went to the doctors about my anxiety as it had just got unmanagable and he put me on some anxiety meds, but warned me for the first couple of weeks if can actually make you feel worse. Weirdly the first couple of days on them I felt great, and then I kinda crashed and yesterday was particularly bad. I had self harm thoughts for the first time in a very long time, they weren't very strong, not even urges but it was still there, and that kinda scared me.

I guess I'm just frustrated because I feel like there are so so many good things in my life, and all I feel like I'm doing at the moment is focusing on the negative stuff. I feel like there's so much more I should be doing with my life and it really scares me that every time I try I crash and burn. I feel guily because I'm not bringing in any money and we're just about scraping by on what D earns. I WANT to be able to get back into work and hold down a job without it becoming such a big source of anxiety that I end up making myself ill. I WANT to be able to bring in money so that we can do nice things. I just want to be NORMAL, whatever that is.

I was lay in bed this morning and I started listing the things in my life that were bothering me and I ended up getting so overwhelmed because there are just so many things that I know that I need to deal with and that I feel like I'm being crushed by. I've decided this afternoon that I'm going to sit down and make a list and then I can tackle them one at a time. I just feel like I want to cry and give up, but at the same time I want to try as hard as I frickin can to not let this beat me.

Positive.

Hey, long time no see!

So I've had a bit of a strange day. I realised earlier that I've put most of the weight that I lost at the end of last year back on, just from the way clothes I was trying on fit. At first this really upset me and I immediately thought about depriving myself of whatever it was I was about to eat and felt liek shit etc, and then I stopped and thought. I've had a blast the last couple of months, yes I've been eating a lot but I've been *enjoying* it, discovering amazing new places to eat, yes spending too much money on it all but hell, it's been fun. I've been social, I've pushed myself in new situations and battled my anxiety. It's been so hard but I've felt so proud of myself.

Yes this has meant weight gain, yes this has meant that I can't see my hip bones and back bones and collar bones as much as I used to, but so what, I'm happy. Why should I let my bones of lack of define who I am, and my happiness. I'm still healthy, I'm still working out and living and active lifestyle, and I'm not going to let whether I can fit into, or not fit into, jeans that I bought when I was 14 define how I feel about myself. Yes I might be a size bigger than whatever it is in my head is happy with, but that's not me, and I'M happy.

I know it's been a while and ALOT has happened in my personal life and I'll make a proper update soon about all that, but I just wanted to document this so that I can look back on it when my motivation is down and see that my bones and my weight do not define me. My personality, my drive and my passion define me.

Thank you and good night lol.

Selfish.

I feel pathetically like I just want to go out in the street today and shout 'I AM UPSET!!!!!'. I'm just too worn down to pretend that I'm not anymore. I am really fucking upset and angry and tired and I just want all of this to be over. I want term to be over, I want the wedding to be over, I want the funeral to be over so I can just crawl into a hiding place for the next two weeks. I don't want to have to deal with any of it. I am NOT happy, and I don't know what I should do about it. I don't know how much of it is real unhappiness and how much is manufactured by the stress and everything from the wedding etc. But anyway, fuck it i dont care, I'm past fuckin caring. I'm past fucking being polite and gracious and supportive. I can't help but br selfish and resentful and spiteful. It should be me. Maybe I just need more. No, I do need more. I'm sick of sugar coating things. I need more, I selfishly feel like I deserve more.

I want to go. I don't want to go.

It's days like these where I wish that I lived in a remote part of the countryside and I could just go and wander the hills and the fields in the gorgeous sunshine without having to come across a single other human being. It's so warm and there's not a cloud in the sky, not quite warm enough to sit in the shade yet but in the direct sun it's lovely just wearing a sun dress (I have officially broken out the sun dresses but I'm really not feeling so comfortable in them right now). I decided to have a little walk to our nearest park which is only about 5 minutes away. It's one thing I love about where I live in Liverpool, there's about 5 or 6 parks within 20 minutes walk, 2 of which are really pretty big and you can almost forget you're in the city completely. I just wish that sometimes the place was quieter, I got to the park and there were just people everywhere and I didn't feel comfortable just sitting down on the grass and reading my book so I just had a walk and went to the cake shop on the other side of the park to get some supplies I needed for cakes I'm making later in the week. There's a high school right by the park too so there were loads of school kids milling around and being loud and stuff and I just wished I had the whole park to myself to just sit and be quiet and relax.

I've decided to try and let myself have a bit of an easy time this week. I don't have too much I need to do and the weather looks like it's going to be so nice. I always feel guilty for letting myself have time off during the week but I'm going to be most likely running myself into the ground working this summer that I've decided I need to let myself have a bit of a break now before things get crazy then. It's difficult but I think I need it.

This weekend is going to be hard. It's the wedding at long last and I both really want to go and really don't want to go. Thinking about seeing how beautiful their wedding is going to be makes me want to cry. I want that. Selfishly I want the romance. I want the dress, the day, the cake, the words, the love. I want all of it and it's going to be hard seeing someone getting it all, especially when Dave is best man and will be busy most of the day and the anxiety of being with lots of people i dont know is also playing on my mind. I feel fat in my dress and I want to starve all week long, but my nerves are making me want to eat and eat. My mind is not a fun place to be this week.

Also, my Grandpa died on Thursday and it was a pretty big shock. It was fairly sudden, he wasn't in the best of health but he literally just sat down in his chair on Thursday morning, and passed away. It was so sad, but also just how he would have wanted. No drama, no pain, no tubes and wires, just peaceful. I just found out the funeral is next Tuesday. I haven't been to a funeral in many years and I know its going to be a very sad occasion. I have some really good memories of my Grandpa and he will be missed a lot.

I guess all of the drama from the past few weeks has really got me down. My body image is nothing short of HORRENDOUS and I know I've been eating too much/comfort eating to make myself feel better and it of course actually makes me feel bad in the long run, but I guess it's just the coping mechanism I've turned to. I'm not happy at the moment, and I don't know what to do or what to change to make me happy. For now I just want to enjoy the sun and ignore how enormous I feel.

Stupid. Disgusting. Waster.

I feel horrible. Sick. Fat. Stupid. I feel like I've been gaining, gaining, gaining the last couple of weeks. I know I've been stress eating. I've made that all to familiar switch from stress restricting to stress eating. I'm really worried about how unhappy I feel. How unsettled. How much I just want to run away and start again. Sometimes I wish I was 16 again and I could redo everything from then onwards, and then at least I also felt justified in feeling this messed up. I feel like such a failure for not being successful and where I want to be yet. I look around at all the people I went to school with and they're all in good jobs, or in other countries, doing a Masters, earning good money, and I've just started again at college. I feel like such a waster. I feel like I'm going to mess this up.

I KNOW I need to stop wishing my life away but I wish that the wedding was over by now. Meh. I want to write more but I feel too pathetic. What the fuck is the point really anyway?

SO, I don't know whether to keep writing in here honestly. My bf found this blog on Monday - I dunno if he's guna carrying on reading it if I do carry on. To be honest I don't mind, I'm trying to be much more honest and sometimes it's just easier to write things down. So yeah, I probably will keep writing and if he wants to read then it's fine, I don't wanna carry on keeping things secret, it's not done us any good.

I feel like absolute shit today. I couldn't wake up this morning, I kept trying to get up but my whole body fely so weak and heavy and tired, and I don't even know why. I feel like I'm doing so bad food wise, not in what/how I'm eating, but how I feel about it. I've been trying to just eat 'normally' but I'm finding at the moment that food is the only thing I feel like I can find comfort in. I want to eat everything, all the time and that's really scary. Everytime I eat I feel so hugely fat and it terrifies me that even when I'm done eating I want to carry on eating an eating just for comfort and to feel something. I feel like I've put on about 3 stone and it's horrible. I know that if I want to get back to eating normally and without a care then some weight gain is probably inevitable, and I'm really not sure how to handle that.

I just want to cry and eat and not eat and just have a cuddle to feel better. I've arranged to go and meet a guy on Saturday to discuss doing a work placement and I'm sooooo nervous. I don't even know why, but it's really getting to me. My anxiety is just through the fricking roof and I wish it was just over. I feel stupid and weak for even feeling like this.

I'm really freaking out about everything at the moment and I don't know what's going to happen. I just want to feel happy again. I can still remember what it feels like and I want it back so fucking badly.

Sorry

Sorry I haven't posted recently. I'm not doing well and I've found it hard to try and get my feelings down. I keep writing things and then thinking that they all sound stupid. I dont know what to do anymore. I had such a positive week a couple of weeks ago and then I came crashing down so hard and things are worse than ever. I'm not coping. I want to cry all the time. I'm not strong enough to do this again.

Confused, need some advice.

I'm feeling kinda on the edge of tears today and I'm not really sure why. Nothing bad has happened, I guess I'm just feeling down and so confused. I've been confused about a lot lately. I actually feel like I have ambition for the first time in my life. There's a lifestyle that I'm aiming for, and I'm not sure how to get there yet, but I know I'm prepared to work hard to get there. Before I kept telling myself to just go back to working in an office in a job I hate with no real prospects just so we can pay the bills etc, but I don't want to do that. That wouldn't make me happy. I want to embrace all of the things that I love doing. I want to travel and see the world. I want to see things, do things, experience as much as I can. I'm sick and tired of being scared of everything and I want to embrace the amazing things that go on in the world that I've spent so long shying away from.

I guess I'm a little scared that I know that that isn't what my bf wants to do I dont think. I know he's more of a comfortable home person, and I thought I was too. But I'm starting to realise now that I'm in a better place in my head that there's so much I want to do with my life. I'm not happy sitting at home every evening in front of the tv. I love curling up on the couch with him and spending time together, but not as the only thinbg we do. I want to experience all of these things with him, and I guess I just feel a little like he's holding me back. I love him so, so much, but sometimes I wish he'd play a more active role in his own life. I know with all he's been through he just wants a quiet life and that it's easier for him to numb out than really try and put some effort into doing things BUT that's not me anymore. I'm tired of looking forward to the weekends because that's the time I/we have to go and do amazing things and then just spending them sat on the couch because we cant be arsed to go out or do anything. I try and talk to him about all these things but he just closes off and wont talk. I'm not sure what to do. I've been cutting myself off from really looking for opportunities for myself because I knew that I wouldn't be able to do them practically being with him.

I just don't know what to do.

A break through :-)

So I had a bit of a realisation today, a kind of 'A-ha!' moment. The last few months I've been massively struggling with the fact that I'm constantly surrounded by food and in situations where I'm controlling food that I make, whether it's for myself, other people, college, my portfolio, projects, etc. I mean I'm doing a professional baking and cake decorating course at college for fudge sake. I'd started to panic that this was both feeding and elevating my eating disorder and that having to be in situations where I was required to control food was not a good thing.

But then I realised something. I realised that I am passionate about creating food, especially amazing cakes, bakes and desserts, and this IS what I want to do with my life. I absolutely love it. I realised that if I want to get where I want to be in life I need to just accept the fact that I'm always going to obsessive and obsessing about food. I'm always going to be around it and I'm never going to find it easy BUT maybe thats ok. Maybe that is what is going to set me apart from the rest of the pack. I'm infinitely interested in everything to do with the creation of amazing food, and I love to experiment and the fact that food is constantly on my mind plays in my favour.

Whether is creating, baking, cooking, desigining, consuming, not consuming, food IS going to be the main part of my life. I've realised that my fear of this has been holding me back and letting this go will allow me to achieve my full potential. I have SO much ambition and I'm so ready to taking the steering wheel in my life. I'm beyond ready. I can't wait to start this journey with this new perspective.

A Streetcar Named Desire.

OUCH!!! I've just finished working out like a crazy person and my arms are literally shaking so much I'm finding it hard to type, but I just wanted to update quickly while I have half an hour to myself. I know that working out so hard isn't so good from the ED point of view BUT I'm having a good weekend food wise in the sense that I haven't binged or purged, but I've eaten sensibly and I had a lot of energy so I wanted to work out. This week has been pretty good food and working out wise, I've been healthy and not purged once!!! But I've been working out hard every day instead and I feel sooooo much better for it!

The bf and I went to see 'A Streetcar named Desire' by Tennesee Williams at the theatre last night. It was brilliant! It was 3 hours long and even I managed to sit mostly still through the whole thing. I didn't know the story at all until I quickly read the synopsis yesterday (the bf got the tickets because he really wanted to see it) and even though the story is kinda grim, its just a brilliant story about people and their struggles in life. There's a film as well which apparantly is very good, so I would highly recommend it if it comes to a theatre near you :-).

So yeah, I just wanted to quickly update really and say that things are going pretty well, better than the last couple of weeks anyway. I've been eating healthily, working out and feeling better about myself. I've got lots of things I want to do this week and I'm feeling really positive about getting things going in my life. We've been talking a lot in college about the trip that we make at the end of the year. I cant wait! There's a big theme park in England called Alton Towers and every year the UK's biggest Bakery and Cake convention is held there in June. So we get to go to Alton Towers for the weekend, go to the convention, enter our competition cakes into the different competition catergories, and there's a black tie ball as well. It sounds amazing and, even though my anxiety is absolutely screaming in panic, I'm determined to get myself to a point where I can go and really enjoy myself.

Right, it's definitely time for a brew and then the bf should be home soon and we're going to have a movie evening. Think the new Muppets film and The Artist are on the list first :-) Hope you're all having a lovely weekend x

New hair piccies.

I love it, hope this is the confidence boost that I so badly need!

Secrets, lies and losses.

Ok, so after my week long binge last week, I decided that it was time for a change. Now that it's Lent, I've decided to set myself a 40 day long challenge to eat 'healthily'. I know that this is massively coming from my eating disorder, and that it's a way of tricking the people around me into thinking that I just want to get more healthy by giving up the junk food etc, and my bf actually called me out on it, and I didn't even really deny it that much, but at the moment we're so shut down to each other emotionally that he didn't press it, and that of course made my ED feel like it was winning.

I decided I needed to punish myself for being so weak last night, so I hopped on the scale this morning to shock myself into seeing the number, and I'd LOST weight. Not even a little loss (I weighed myself on Tuesday last week and I've been eating, eating, eating since then). I was actually at a lower weight than I was the time I weighed myself before that, which was the lowest I have been in about 5 years. What the juddering fuck!?!? I've been working out quite a bit it's true, and I've been MASSIVELY stressed, maybe it's just that, but now all I want to do is lose, lose, lose. I was convinced I'd gained so much since my last weigh in, so my 'healthy eating plan' was mostly so I could shit that weight, but it's not weight I have to shift, and now my brain is remembering back to previous goal weights I had when I was seriously into my ED before, and knows that I'm within striking distance of one I had for a long time.

I'm scared that I won't be able to stop once I get into losing again, but I'm scared because I don't want to stop. I still keep dreaming about being so thin, so beautiful (Logically I know thin doesn't equal beautiful, but try telling my brain that!), so confident, so strong. I feel like I'm already losing my passion for everything else that I love in my life other than losing weight. I'm going to get my hair cut now and then going shopping in town with my mum. I just need to focus.

Back bones

So yesterday was soooooo much fun. I finally managed to let my hair down, get out of my own head (for the most part) and just enjoy myself. I think the alcohol helped a lot, hmm, not brilliant I know and I did have a bit of a headache this morning, but I wasn't like wasted or anything, just nicely drunk enough to feel coonfident and chatty. I met up with a couple of all friends and it was sooooooo nice to catch up and see them. One of them commented on how 'tiny' I looked :-S. We didn't get back to the hotel til gone 3am! It was a lovely hotel too :-) we had champagne and a mahoosive bed. It was lovely.

At one point during the evening I'd gone to the bathroom and I think it was a disabled one so it was just like a big room with the loo and a low down mirror in. Anyway, I was wearing a playsuit (which I'd forgotten how much of a pain it is when you're on a night out) so I had to like proper strip off to go to the loo and I was trying not to look and my pretty much naked self in the mirror so I kinda turned away but as I did I caught a glimpse of my back in the mirror and I realised that I could proper see all of my ribs and spine from the back of me. It really surprised me because I'd been feeling huge up until that point and just for a fleeting moment I felt really skinny, and then it was gone. I'm not sure what to make of this, seeing those bones didn't fill me with a sense of achievement or happiness like it used to, which I guess is a good thing and shows I'm moving forward, but at the same time it did make me feel happy to feel thin and I felt more confident after that happened. I also realised how small my boobs have become and that makes me kinda sad, I miss having bigger boobs lol, I wish I could be skinny with big boobs, but I'm not blessed with those genes.

Ugh, so I don't know what to do or feel. I guess just carry on as I have been doing. Tonight is a dangerous night because we have soooooo much binge food in the house and Dave's gone to play his regular poker night with some of his friends so I'm on my own, and therefore I feel like I'm so set up for a binge. I'm going to try and just take it easy on myself, try and stick to what I have planned but not restrict. We'll see how it goes, I don't feel so hopeful, and my throat is killing me so much from straining it talking in bars last night so i REAAALLLLY don't want to be purging.

Anywho, I might write again later if I need some distraction. Have a nice evening lovelies!

Finding 'Me'.

The bf and I are going to Manchester to stay in a nice hotel and have the Valentine's day that we didn't get to have. It'll be so nice to get away, even if it's just for the night. I've been trying on clothes all morning, you know when you just get into that mindset where everything you put on makes you feel MASSIVE. I finally picked an outfit I think is cute, and was firm with myself and decided that it doesn't matter if I feel like I look fat, or even if I do look fat, what does it matter? I mean that in a positive way, I mean that so many things have happened the last few months, and when worrying about my appearance should have been waaaaaaay down the list, it was always at the forefront, and I know that it's not just that simple. Its not like it's actually my appearance that is the big issue, that's not what the eating disordered part of me is. Argh, I don't know if this is making any sense. Anyway, the point is is that today I am just going to do my best to enjoy myself, not to worry what I look like, what I feel like, and I'm just going to see if I can find 'Me' again.

I love this outfit. Not feeling exactly confident, but it's time to stop worrying and start living.

Suicidal parents.

Ok, SO, the last post I made I was feeling unbelivably awful, and I felt like I was just failing at everything. That was Monday, and since then things have been INSANE to the point that I don't even know how to feel or what to do.

Basically, and this is cutting a LONG story short, if you read my previous post before the last one I talked about my bf's dad and how he was having a bit of a meltdown. On Tuesday morning (Valentine's day) when my bf was in work he sent him a message basically saying he was off to kill himself. Of course my bf rushed out of work and round to his flat which is fortunately just round the corner, and found that his dad had gone, and there were empty pill boxes everywhere (anti-depressants, sleeping pills, cold and flu stuff, paracetamol, cough syrup etc). So about 11am I got this grief stricken call from my bf asking if I could come round to his dad's because he was there with the police and that he'd gone off and taken loads of pills, so of course I rushed over there. Again, long story short, we spent all of Valentine's Day worried sick, and his dad kept turning his phone on and off, and as horrible as it sounds even my bf said, he was just doing that to check that everyone was running around after him.

The police eventually managed to track his phone to Southport (about 30 miles away from here) and later about 8pm on Tuesday found him in a complete state after taking all the pills and also having alcohol and god knows what else. So they took him to the hospital in Southport and neither me or my bf drive so we couldn't get there at that point. They kept him in Wednesday and he was still just out of it while they got all the stuff out of his system and then we were going to go down today to take him some stuff today but then we found out this morning that they were moving him to a psychiatric unit nearer to where we live. My bf is currently down there taking him his stuff and sorting things out, but he's going to have to get evaluated again at this place before they decide what they're going to do with him next.

I know it's totally hypocritical but I cant help feeling so angry at him. He's done things like this before, but it's obviously always a cry for help/attention seeking thing because he always goes out into public for his 'suicide attempts'. For instance, once he went into a pub, smashed a glass and sliced his wrists in front of everyone. I know from personal experience that if you're serious about killing yourself, you don't do things like that. You stay away from sight of anyone, and whilst yes I know that he must be seriously mentally ill to do all the things he has done, I can't help feeling angry that he does such destructive things that affect so many people. I always say, 'You hurt me and I'll forgive you most days of the week, you hurt someone I love and hell hath no fury!'

I'm trying so hard to be sympathetic, because I know that I've done similar things when I was younger, and I'm defiintely going to sit down and write some pretty serious apologies to my parents and some other people for putting them through what I now know to be such an utterly devastating ordeal.

I've just had to do my best this week to push all my shit to the back of my mind and just be there for my bf and offer as much support as I can. I'm starting to realise just how much of a burden we all put on him, and he needs support as much as the rest of us! He's had to deal with his dad doing things like this since he was really quite young, and it's always fallen to him to deal with it. I'm really not doing well mentally, but I need to be there for him. I'm just waiting for him to let me know he's on his way home so I can make him some dinner, as soon as he went out I started working out like crazy until I thought I was going to be sick and pass out. But in sme weird way, I feel like that helped me to get out some of the issues I've been trying to keep in the last few days.

Whatever makes me think that I could ever amount to anything? I should never have left work because I thought I could actually make something of myself. I've never succeeded at anything, I always fail. And now we have no money because I thought that for once I could actually succeed. But I'm a failure. And I'll always be a failure.

Also, my throat hurts so much from purging. Ugh.

Damage control

This weekend has not been good. AGAIN. I honestly can't remember the last time I did have a good weekend eating wise. Yesterday we went to see a couple of Dave's friends who are getting married in 7 weeks so everything was just wedding, wedding, wedding stuff and because we havent told anyone we got 'un-engaged' they kept asking about our wedding and I kept trying to fend them off but then I we went the pub and had a couple of drinks and when they asked next I proper went off on what we were planning and got really excited about stuff, until I realised that it wasn't actually happening and I crashed hard. We got the last train back into town and went out for a guy from work's birthday so I drank more and got upset. I managed not to cause any big arguments which is good, I think I caught myself just before it got to that and came home and went to bed. Today I've just been binging, I've just been craving sweet stuff all day and we have so much of it in the house and I just feel so sick and tired I didn't even try and stop myself.

Since Friday everything has been so stressful cos Dave's having a big family crisis and its pretty scary. I can't go into details, but I don't know whats going to happen and that scares me and my anxiety has been insane. I feel like whenever things are rough the eating disordered part of me seizes the opportunity wriggle its way back in because it knows I don't have the strength to fight it.

I know that today is going to be bad food wise, but I feel like I need to do some serious damage control and make a food plan and STICK to it. I need to stop the b/p'ing and if that means that I end up restricting this week then so be it, I'm trying to take some advice and realise that I cannot fight everything at once. I just can't take the binging anymore, so I'm going to sit down tonight and make a meticulous plan. I haven't got college this week which is both a blessing and a curse, it's nice to have a week off, but it also means I don't have anything to focus on. I need to give myself a project for this week. I want to work out a lot more than I have been doing because I feel so lazy. If I can stick to my plan this week, I think I'll be okay. Valentine's day is gonig to be a hard one to stick to, but I need to try. I just need to try, and if I fail, I'll pick myself up and try again.

ARRGGHH!!!! Upset :-(

So I'm sat at home waiting for my bf to come in from work, lookin forward to it soooooooooo much because I've had such a rough day and I've been looking forward to Friday evening ALL week. Anyway, he finishes at 4 and then he was guna go and see his dad for an hour and then come home so he should've been back by half 5. Anyway, I just got a text from him saying he doesn't know what time he'll be home cos he's scared to leave his dad on his own.

I'm sorry if any of this next bit sounds selfish, I know it probably makes me sound like a bitch but I just need to vent. Ok, I know his dad suffers from depression and gets really bad, especially when he's been drinking, but my bf spend literally all his teenage years looking after him and coming home to find him attempting suicide, and I think it robbed him of so much. I worry about him every time that he goes round there because his dad sucks him back into that world and I know that he feels really guilty for moving out but he's 26 years old and he's the youngest of 3 brothers and he still gets lumbered with all the responsibility of looking after him. I completely understand that his dad needs help but it's NOT Dave's job to be his constant carer and its not fair that he makes him feel guilty for not being there 24/7 watching him. He's never been the father in their relationship and it's always fallen on Dave to be the responsible person.

I guess the selfish part is that I know his dad is most likely having a serious depressive episode and needs help, but I'm just so upset that today has just gone so wrong and I cannot cope when plans go so wrong. I was just so looking forward to my bf coming home and us having a nice relaxing evening and now it's ruined and I know that he's going to come in later so depressed and drained from his dad dragging him down and it's just going to ruin the whole weekend. I'm so angry and annoyed and upset and I'm worried about him and I wish he'd just come straight home from work. I hate not knowing what's going on, my anxiety just cannot handle in and my brain starts racing to all the worst case scenarios. I think I need to go and just have a bit of a cry or something.

It's so frickin cold in my house but I'm determined not to put the heating on because we got a bill through today for £529 for gas and leccy!!!!!! We seriously cannot afford that right now, it's insane and I'm proper freaking out cos I don't know what we're guna do but anyway. Just happens to be the absolute coldest time of the year at the moment too, it's barely got above freezing all week so I'm sat here wrapped up in about 10 layers and I'm still freezing. I've always, always been cold for pretty much the last 8 years, so I don't know why I'm not used to it. My bf thinks I'm crazy cos even when we're in the pub sat next to the fire I'm still wearing a t-shirt, a jumper and a hoodie. My circulation is still seriously poor and I still have low blood pressure so it's not surprising really but its just miserable in the winter time :-(

I was meant to be in college all day today, but I came home at lunch time, I just couldn't handle being there. It's horrible because I love college so much, but my anxiety has been so bad this week, just leaving the house has been insanely hard. I went to all my important lessons though and I asked the tutor what we'd be doing and it was just practising what we learnt last week, and it was stuff that I could do at home so that's good at least. I just hare this feeling, I gave up work to do this and now I feel like I'm failing at it, it's horrible and I just want to cry.

When I got home and found that bill it just added to my anxiety ten-fold. My bf calmed me down a bit but then I went on a massive b/p spree. I knew it was coming and I'd been trying to stop it but I just couldn't hold off anymore and as unhealthy it is to say, it actually seemed to make some of my anxiety subside. That is DEFINITELY not a good thing and not something which I will be looking at a coping mechanism! I know I'll be eating again later with my bf though so it's ok, and I will keep that down, even though I know it's Friday and he'll probably want to get something like a take-away, but I need to put my healthy head on and make some better choices. This weekend is going to be super busy and I need all the strength I can get!

Right, he should be home soon so I'm going to go and make some coffee and try and warm these icicles that used to be my fingers!

Have a lovely weekend :-) x

Always anxious, all the time.

I feel like I've been bordering on a panic attack all week. I've binged every day so far, despite lying awake for hours when I go to bed, meticuliously making a game plan to avoid binging the next day. I haven't purged every time I've binged either which I think is adding to the anxiety because I just can't deal with weight gain at the moment. I just cant. I've taken the batteries out of my scales in the hope that if I do get the urge to weigh myself I won't be able to just jump on the scales quickly and see the number, and that I'll be able to talk myself round before I've got them working again. It might work, it might not, but it was worth a try.

I'm in college a bit later today, and I'm feeling horribly anxious about it. There's only one person in my group that I really get on with and I feel really socially awkward around every one else and get really panicky. The group has broken off into 3 pretty much, the ones who are staright from school and are like 16/17, the twenty somethings who all have kids, and women in the their 50s/60s who are retired and want to get into cake decorating and something to do. I don't fit into any of these, age wise I fit in with the twenty somethings but I don't have kids, and they're always talking about their kids and it upsets me because I still just cant handle being around people with kids and stuff. Anyway, so I always feel really left out, and the one person I really get on with sent me a message before saying she's got the flu and isn't going to be in this week at all and so I'm just feeling so panicky and full of anxiety. As soon as I read the message I started thinking about ways that I could get away with not going to college. I hate it, I want to just be able to enjoy college and I feel like my anxiety is ruining everything.

SO in light of this, I've made a big decision. I've decided to finally make a doctors appointment and talk to her about my anxiety. It's scary and is causing a lot of anxiety in itself but its something I just need to do. I can't carry on living like this.

Getting blamed for other people's mistakes.

So, I'm having a bit of a nightmare of a day and it's not even midday. It started really well though, I got up early and waved the bf off to work, did a bit of reading and tidying and was feeling pretty good. It was a crystal clear day and the sky looked so blue, and it's like minus 3 degrees so there was icicles hanging off everything and it was all so pretty.

I had an appointment at half 10 so I got ready and headed out. I started feeling really crappy when I was walking there and started getting stabby stabby pains in my stomach. I arrived at what should've been a super quick 5 minute appointment and then I have an order for a cake to do for this afternoon so I was thinking in my head I'd be back by 11 which would give me 5 hours to do the cake, which was pretty much just about enough. After sitting there for 20 minutes I was called over and told that this appointment was meant to be a much more extensive interview and that it was meant to be last week (I actually have a letter with my appointments on which they gave me, so I know for a fact they didn't tell me this) and that they were now doing me a favour by getting it rescheduled for 1pm today and that I'd have to 'make my case' for why I didn't attend this appointment last week.

So I left there at about 11 with one of those like 'what just happened' faces and now with the added annoyance that I had to go back for an 'extensive' appointment in two hours. I rushed home to see if I could get the cake baked quickly, and then maybe, possibly I might have time to finish it quickly when I got back after my appointment. Bad idea! I forget how unbelievably clumsy I become when I'm rushing and long story short I managed to drop the eggs that I needed and break just enough of them that I now don't have enough to make it. Awesome. So I DEFINITELY do not have time to go out, get more eggs, come back and get the cake baked before I have to leave to go back to my frickin appointment and at best I'll only have 2 hours when I get home before he leaves and that's simply just not enough time to complete it. So, I've had to just ask really really apologetically if tomorrow would be ok to deliver in instead and now I'm feeling like such a massive failure for letting him down, even though it's because of someone else's fuck up. Arrgghhh!!! And this is all on top of the insane amount of anxiety I have whenever plans get changed! I'm so annoyed, and while all this has been going on my stomach pains have been getting worse and all I wanna do is curl up in a ball and sleep all day. I've got about an hour now before I have to leave for my appointment again and I kinda just want to go for a walk and calm down but it's really icy everywhere so I think I'm going to try and settle to my book for a little bit.

Positive

I only have five minutes to update because I'm having a super busy day and just waiting for my second load of washing to finish so I can put the third in before I go out. I'm feeling really super anxious at the moment because it's Dave's first day on dayshift, and I know that it's going to be really difficult adjusting to the new shift for both of us. He's been on night shift for the last 6 years, and that's a seriously long time to not do a normal 9-5, and I'm so proud of him for making such a big change in his life for a positive reason so he can have more time to find what he wants to do in life. Anyway, like I've said before, I'm really anxious about not having evenings to myself anymore, and that I'll have to start eating more normally. I'm going to be doing the cooking in the evening though, so at least I still have the control of deciding and making what we eat.

This weekend wasn't good food wise. I binged on Saturday pretty bad BUT I didn't purge, which both made me feel proud of myself, and like a MASSIVE failure at the same time. My stomach seriously didn't appreciate it and I spent most of the night in seeeeerious pain. I didn't punish myself though, when I woke up on Sunday, I wanted to starve all day, but I didn't, I made myself eat normally and healthily and that made me feel quite proud, but unfortunately also made me feel soooooo big!

I'm really trying to be serious about getting better at the moment, I have some seriously big reasons to be healthy right now, and I need to hold onto them as hard as I can during the bad days. I know I can do it this time, I AM going to be happy and healthy.

Causing disordered eating when trying to avoid a binge.

Ok so I'm finding it difficult to make the distinction between eating sensibly in the sense of not causing a binge, and eating in a disordered manner. By this I mean in the actual physical process of eating something. For instance, right now I'm eating my dinner. I keep telling myself to take my time and eat slowly, distract myself by doing something else at the same time, take breaks to let myself naturally get to a full point etc and I started doing this purely from the point of view that if I ate in this way that it would be less likely to cause a binge. But even though my actions were all from a positive eating point of view, I'm now sat here 2 hours later and I've still only eaten half of what I planned on, and now it feels like my efforts have turned completely into disordered habits. When on my own, I eat at a very slow pace anyway, I can't help it, it seems like unless I am binging I have literally lost the ability to eat at a normal pace without feeling physcially sick, and I know this drives my bf and family up the wall especially when we're eating out. But anyway, when on my own, this is so heightened, and I guess I've been so concentrated on avoiding the binging side that the symptoms at the other end of the scale have managed to waltz back into my eating habits without me even noticing. I can't seem to keep focused on both things at once, and combat them both at the same time.

The Rainbow Cake (with pictures!)

So I was feeling utterly, utterly devastated yesterday, and today felt like it was going the same way. We made pizza in college and I LOVE pizza. With the things we make we can either take them home or if we don't they get sold in the bakery shop, but usually I just take things with me because I'd be going straight to work and then I just give what I've made to people in work. Without thinking I took all 4 pizzas I'd made with me and then only realised on my way home that I wasn't going to work and that I was taking them home with me, and it's going to be sooooo hard not to binge on them. I know Dave will have one for his supper when he gets in (they're only small individual ones) and I'm toying with trying to have one or half of one for dinner myself, but I'm scared it'll turn into me binging on all 3 of them.

Anyway, on a much brighter side I was massively cheered up when the guy I did the rainbow cake sent me a picture of it cut all the way through and it just looks so good and he said that everyone was so impressed by it that he's sending lots of customers my way and I just felt so proud of myself that I'm actually good at something. I've actually got off my arse and found something that I love doing and that's a lot of hard work, but is producting some really good things. It just lifted my mood a little so I thought I'd post some piccies from start to finish.

P.S. Just a little aside. I have just settled down to a nice relaxing evening in front of the tv and I set reminders for The Biggest Loser, followed by Britain's Next Top Model, followed by The Roux Legacy. I just stopped and realised how massively weight and food focused all of the programmes I enjoy watching are :-S

Funky coloured batter

The colourful offcuts

Layered and buttercreamed

Covered in sugarpaste

Finally finished with edible markers for the writing and a red ribbon

 Cut into!!! Very happy with the result! 

I need help.

I need to talk to someone. I just want to cry and cry and cry and there's no one I can talk to. I can't keep this is anymore. I just need some help but I don't feel like there's anyone I can reach out to. I don't know what to do anymore.

This place is so empty, my thoughts are so tempting, I don't know how it got so bad. - Sum 41

Weak.

My whole body feels so weak and exhausted today. It's been like below freezing all day and my hands have been so cold that I can barely move my fingers no matter what I do. I'm sat here wearing about 5 layers, and my big fleecey robe, and I have the heating on and I'm still pretty chilly. I went for a walk in the park today for some exercise, and it was so cold but so amazingly clear and the sky was so blue, and I found myself looking forward to summer so much. I always think that this year will be different and that I'll feel comfortable in little shorts and t-shirts, but I never, ever do and I always end up still trying to cover up as much as I can, or wearing long floaty things.

I really badly want to just eat 'normally' today because I feel so weak and I know that Thursdays and Fridays are always so crazy and I need A LOT of energy for them, but everytime I go to the kitchen so make myself something I get so overwhelmed and I don't know what to make, and it's so cold in my kitchen, so I just end up making a cup of tea and leaving without any food. I feel like I need something substantial, but I keep freaking out about the calories. I've been stuck at the same weight for the last week and I feel so frustrated, part of me wants to starve harder, and part of me just wants to consume the entire contents of my kitchen so I have an excuse to feel like a failure.

For the first time since being off work I don't have anything I need to do tonight. I've finished my college work and I delivered all my cake orders, and I just wanted to take this evening and have a relax but it's only 6pm and I'm already feeling bored and frustrated. I know I should use my time constructively, but I feel so crappy and achey that I just want to lie on my couch.

I know I shouldn't wish my time away, but I really cant wait for this week to be over. Friday evening cannot come quick enough! I'm horribly anxiety riddled about all the decisions and changes that are going to be happening from next week, and I keep getting myself so worked up about how things are going to pan out, so I just need them to be happening now so I can actually deal with them, rather than having anxiety attacks about how I'm not going to be able to deal with them, if that makes any sense. I need to talk to someone about everything so badly, but I don't have anyone in my life who's in a position that I can unload to at the moment, and I don't want to be a burden any more than I already am to the people I love. A big part of me really wants to get wasted so I don't have to deal with any of this, and that really worries me because I've spent a long time getting myself to a stage where I can face my feelings and be open about them rather than hiding them behind unhealthy behaviours, and the last couple of weeks that's all I've been doing. Meh, and now I just feel like I'm being completely self-involved and self-centred. Blarrrghgghhhgh!!!

Welcome to Oblivion

Welcome to oblivion.
Where panic starts to settle in.
And I'm afraid of everything.
I lost my head again.

Welcome to oblivion.
Where my whole life is caving in.
And I can't stand who I am.
I think I'm losing it. - Madina Lake

It's so cold in my kitchen I can see my own breath and I can barely feel my fingers to type. I feel so out of it today, I feel almost drunk because things just keep happening and I feel so zoned out that I'll be having a conversation and then realise that I've missed about 5 minutes and have no idea what we're even talking about. I feel like I can't remember what it was like to have energy, and like lifting my arms and legs is so much effort.

Yesterday I didn't want to eat anything, but I knew if I tried that I'd end up b/p, so I decided that instead I would do a really good work out and then eat a bit, and in the end I had an apple, a banana and a spring roll. I weighed myself this morning and I'm exactly what I was before the weekend, which isn't too bad seeing as I had a really bad weekend, but I always, always wish it would be lower. I know I'm going to end up eating more today, just because I actually have things I need to do and I literally cannot move off the sofa, so I'm going to try and just have a few small things so I don't feel starving and hopefully just full enough to keep away a binge.

I just found out about an hour ago that my bf is moving to dayshift from Monday, and I know that all of me should be happy because we get to spend more time together, but there's still a part of me, the ED part of me, that is worried that I wont be able to be so disordered as easily. I'm worried that I'll have to stop pretending that everything is normal and that I'm really struggling again. I know that I am, but right now I'm not in a place where I want admit it to anyone else in case they try and help me or make me get help. I'm scared that I feel like I don't want help, and I'm scared that a complete relapse feels not very far away, and I feel like I'm trapped between knowing that I need to try and stop this now and also wanting to let myself get sick again.

Failure

I feel utterly heartbroken today. I woke up this morning and for the first time in a very long time I had such a bad urge to cut. I've felt like such a failure this weekend. I drank a lot, and ate waaaaay too much and I feel like I completely wasted the weekend to food and drink and now it's Monday and I feel sad and lost and fat. My first thought after wanting to cut was was that I wanted to fast all week. I feel like I need to punish myself for doing so badly this weekend and I want to hurt myself in so many ways. I feel like I don't deserve to have food, but I also feel like I don't deserve to be thin because I'm such a fuck up. And I'm not thin. But I just want to starve until I waste away.

Everythings changing at the moment, in some ways it feels like everythings changing too quickly, but at the same time I feel like it's not changing quickly enough. After 6 years of working a night shift, my bf is going to be moving back onto dayshift at some point in the next month. It could be at the same place he is now, which means he'll be taking a pay cut and we wont be able to do certain things anymore because we wont have enough money, but we will have a lot more time to spend together, or he'll be moving to another company which is a much longer commute so we wouldn't get to spend so much time together, but it's more money so we'd be able to do more things when we did have the time together. Ugh, it's such a hard decision to make, there are so many pros and cons to both, but I just want him to do what will make him happier on a day to day basis. As much as the money would be nice, I don't know if he'd be happy doing that 3 hour round commute, and I'd much rather he be happy. The only thing I'm worried about is, as always, eating disorder related. At the moment I'm in the house on my own in the evenings from 4pm til midnight, and that means my disordered eating can run completely free. During the day I'm busy doing things, and I've never eaten much during the day anyway, so I can get away with it, but when I'm on my own in the evenings I can fast/restrict if I want, I can binge and purge, I can over exercise, and I can do it all in a completely comfortable environment. Now he's going to be at home in the evenings, that's going to become really difficult. I wont be able to get away with not eating anything all night, or going to the shop and buying binge food and coming home and binging and purging.

I want to lose weight more than anything right now, I got so close to my original goal weight, and as soon as I got within reach of it, I decided that that weight was far too fat, and I've pushed it an extra 12lbs lower. I feel like whenever I get within reach of a goal, I change the boundaries so it's out of reach again, so that I constantly feel like I'm not achieveing anything so I am therefore constantly being a failiure.

I still feel so sad about all the things that happened at the end of last year, but I feel like now everyone's just assumed that I've got over it, and every time I bring it up to anyone who knows about it, they change the subject. But I'm really struggling and I still feel so utterly devastated by it. I want my baby back. I still want to wake up and for it all to have been a bad dream. I want it to stop hurting everytime I see a happy couple with a baby or a pregnant woman. I want to stop waking up in the middle of the night after dreaming that I was having a baby and crying myself back to sleep. I want to stop feeling like I want to punish my own body for not being able to grow and nourish my baby.

I wanted to fast today, but I also really want to binge so bloody badly because I feel so sad and so shit. I feel like I'm too weak to do anything right. I just want all of these thoughts to stop.

I'm so tired, so so tired. I've been hyper all day and now I'm just craaaaaashed. I had so much to get done today and I had a hospital appointment. I was so annoyed at myself because I was convinced my appointment was 2pm but when I checked this morning it was 3:30pm so that threw off my whole days plan by an hour and a half and I reaaaally don't cope so well when my plans change at the last minute, and I was kicking myself for not double checking what time it was. I did ok though, and I got my work done. I haven't really mentioned it before but my passion is cake decorating, and I know some people who know about my eating disorder think it's weird that I enjoy baking and cake decorating so much, but for me it's such a big creative outlet for me, and I find it so relaxing, and I actually very rarely want to binge when I'm baking (except on the batter but I try and wash everything as soon as I've used it so I'm not tempted). I'm going to college too to study professional bakery and its so much fun! It's hard work and making industrial size batches of bread, seriously does feel like a work out! I also think its a control thing too, because if I'm making a cake for someone, I know that they're going to be eating cake and I'm not, and that makes the eating disordered bit of me happy.

I walked about 6 miles today. I was going to take the bus, but I wanted to save money and get some exercise in so I walked to the hospital and back. I hadn't eaten anything, and when I got back I told myself that I'd have to weigh myself and I was only allowed to eat if I was under a certain number ( my weight has been bouncing up and down recently). Anyway, I was 2lbs less than that limit, so I let myself have some tuna. I want to eat again though and I don't know what to have, again I can feel a binge coming on so I want to feed my body a little bit more so that I can reduce that feeling without going over the top.

I've been so clumsy today, I dropped my phone in the hospital and it flew into loads of pieces in the waiting room, I dropped a bag I was carrying twice, and I just keep walking into things and tripping over things. I know I get like this when I've not had enough to eat and my brain isn't working properly. I need to start making a concious effort to be more on top of things. I'm in college EARLY on Fridays and I'm doing things with sharp knives right from the start so I definitely need to try and not be clumsy tomorrow.

I'm really looking forward to the weekend, me and my mum are having a girly night in tomorrow, and then a bunch of us are going out for pay day drinks on Saturday, I don't want to get too drunk but I know everyone wants a really messy one and Dave's not going and I always feel so socially anxious when I'm not with him on nights out and sometimes I know that I drink too much to overcompensate. But I really don't want to do that.

Anyway, I'm tired and I'm up early so I think it's bed time. Nighty night.

Binge.

As I write this I'm bingeing on left over pasta bake. I knew it was in the fridge and I wasn't going to eat it, but I'm sooooooo hungry. I caught myself in such a bad frame of mind and I'm writing this in a desperate attempt to slow down my brain and my actions. I need to take a really deep breath and realise that I'm not thinking/acting rationally. I need to stop reaching for the fork, and the food. This will pass, this will pass. The thoughts will ease and my thinking will slow. Each time I stop typing, I can feel the panic and urgency start rapidly rising in my chest again, but I just need to keep typing until it stops. Just breathe slowly, in and out. This will pass. This will pass.

I hate feeling so out of control when I eat. It makes me think I've overeaten when I haven't. I hate these thoughts. I hate them. This is going to be a bad night, and I dont know what I can do to stop it. I'm on my own for the next three hours, I honestly don't think I can hold off these feelings until then.

Overwhelmed

I woke up in a good mood today, it's my first day off work and I had so many plans and things that I wanted to do. I knew that my bf had loads of things he needed to do too before work so I woke him up so he didn't sleep all day (he works nights). I know last night he was feeling kinda down about stuff, and this morning everything just seemed to be magnified. Sometimes I think we're took similar for our own good. He kept saying about how he felt like a failure because he hated his job and other parts of his life, but he's too afraid of putting any effort into anything that might make life better because he's too scared of failing. MAN do I know how this feels, but he's more stubborn than me, whenever I'm feeling like this with a bit of help I can usually drag myself out of it, but I know tjat it's easier for me now because I've found what it is that I want to do and I can throw myself into that. He can't seem to ever be able to get himself out of a rut once he's in one though, and I know he's really depressed but he refuses to go and speak to a doctor or anyone about it because, again, he sees that as a failure that he can't rule his own mind and sort out his own life. I've tried talking to him, but he often closes himself off emotionally and doesn't tell me how he's really feeling, and he wont take his own advice. He tells me I should go and get help whenever I'm in a state and yet he wont even accept that he's in a similar, probably worse position mentally and he wont even consider getting help. I know that it's hard to accept that you have a problem, and I just want to help him but I don't know how I can help.

This back and forth went on for a good hour and a half and in the end we realised we just weren't getting anywhere, and I was in such a bad mood by this point. I know I shouldn't let myself get dragged down but it's pretty much impossible as I'm already feeling pretty shaky mentally myself. I decided to try and get the day back on track by starting to do the things I had planned, first on the agenda was washing, and then cleaning the house. Forty five minutes later and I was having a pretty bad panic attack. I'd started trying to tidy the house up a bit and literally everywhere I looked there was just crap, and I'd move some crap, and there'd be more crap. Everywhere needed properly cleaning and everything needed completely taking out, cleaning and then putting back in. I just kept walking from room to room getting more and more worked up as I went. The last few months I know the house was falling into a state of disrepair but I knew that I simply didn't have time to do anything about it, but now I'm off work, those thoughts have jumped to the forefront of my mind and I feel like such an uttery failure for not having a pristine house, and for not being able to make it pristine all at once. I feel more overwhelmed than ever and that is the complete opposite of why I gave up work, because I still feel like I don't have enough time to do everything I need to, and I instantly feel like I'm failing at everything. Even as I sit here writing this, my mind is racing with all the things that I feel like I should be doing. This isn't what I wanted, I wanted to find a place where I could concentrate completely on my studies and developing my skills, and I already feel like because I'm not 'working' anymore, then I have no excuse for my house not to be perfect. I know that all this is completely facile, and that the house is just what I'm channelling much stronger feelings into, but I feel like I'm really not coping. I just wish I could chill the fuck out, I'm so sick and tired of feeling anxious and on edge all the fricking time. I hate the person I've become. I don't want to be like this anymore.

I just don't want to be me anymore.

Honesty.

As I said in my last post, I wanted to make a video about this, but I still can't get my webcam working, so I've decided to write about it instead. I think doing it this way will probably help me to be more honest, and that's really what I need right now.

I know why I'm struggling so much. I can see the cause and the effect, I know why it's happened now, and I even know why it's manifested itself in the eating disorder side of things rather than any of my other self destructive behaviours. The last ten years have really taught me to know myself and to analyse what's going on in my own head, and why I behave in certain ways (I started self harming when I was 12, and abusing alcohol when I was 15, as well as the ED that started when I was 14). I know the whys and thr hows, and in therapy I even wrote (and laminated!) a list of early warning signs and coping mechanisms, but right now I just don't want to put any of them into practice.

So, here it all is, honestly and without any sugar coating.

In May 2011, me and my bf decided to start trying for a baby. I've always wanted kids, and we were both in a place in our lives where we wanted to make that step, we were settled and happy and we wanted to bring another life into the world. I'd been in a healthy place in my body and mind for quite some months. We talked and figured things out a lot before we even started trying, and when we did I was so excited and felt like everything was finally falling into place. Long story short, but by October, nothing had happened, we'd been trying and trying and every month I was just getting big fat negatives. I knew that I had other health issues (which I'll go into in another post) that may have been hampering things, but I'd been seeing my consultant regularly and he'd given my the green light when we started trying that everything should be fine. The negatives were getting hard to take and I was starting to get worried that we wouldn't be able to conceive naturally as I'd had a long time when I was severely underweight where my reproductive system just wasn't working at all.

On my birthday in the middle of October, my bf proposed to me. I was over the moon, I'd always wanted to get married, and it all felt so right. We, again, talked a lot about what to do next, and we decided that we would stop trying for now, and concentrate on getting married, so it was easier on us both to stop getting negatives, and also to give my body some more time to adjust to the medication I was on and give it more time to settle so it would be easier to conceive. A week later, I found out I was pregnant.

We were both so, so happy. It was everything I'd ever wanted, we were engaged and having a baby!! At this time I was also so busy, I was working full time in the evenings and I was going to college too and my stress levels were pretty high, and with the added strain of being pregnant as well, I was so tired all the time. I didn't panic though, I decided to 100% concentrate on being healthy for my baby.

A month later, on the day of my first antenatal appointment, I started getting pains, which got steadily worse, and then that was accompnied by bleeding. Fortunately, where I live, there is a specific women's hospital only about a mile away, and I ended up in there emergency room and after hours of waiting, severe pain and distress, I was told that I was having a miscarriage. The next three days were probably the worst of my life, I was in and out of the hospital, I had my blood drawn 11 times, I was sent for a scan to check it was ectopic, and all of this time at the hospital I was surrounded by happy, healthy pregnant women who were coming out from having their scans done, waving their little pictures around. It was completely and uttery mentally, physically and emotionally devastating.

I took a week off work and when I went back it was the run up to Christmas and I decided to concentrate on that. Just focus on having such a lovely Christmas time, and for the most part, this distraction worked, but that's all it was. I hadn't dealt with any of it. Two days after Christmas my bf and I had a serious talk about what we should do next. I knew he'd not been happy for a while, but he's such a closed book sometimes and after much coaxing he eventually told me that he didn't want to get married, and that he'd only proposed because he 'panicked'. I assume he felt guilty for not being able to give me the baby that I wanted, and decided that proposing was the next best thing. He also said that he wanted to just go and have fun again,  spend some time not having any responsibilities and deciding what he wanted to do with his life. Normally, I would support this desire completely, I've always wanted him to talk to me more, and also to find what he's really passionate about and chase his dreams, but the timing was just so bad, and I was utterly devastated. He said he felt lost in our relationship and needed to find who he was again. In only a couple of weeks I'd gone from having everything I'd ever wanted, having a baby, being engaged, just being so happy, to having what felt like absolutely nothing. It'd all just been taken away so fast and I didn't even have time to process.

I didn't feel like I wanted to put any of my coping mechanisms into place. I wanted to fall apart, I wanted to melt down, I didn't want anyones help, I just wanted to be on my own and mourn my baby, and to wallow in my own sadness. Of course that's when the eating disordered part of me piped up again. It felt so comforting to have something familiar again, almost something that felt like it was looking after me. It knew me, and I knew it, there's was no pretence there and it felt like I was striking back up a relationship with a friend I'd not seen in years, but who I knew inside out. It was easy and it was safe. The concious part of my brain even thought, I've spent the last 8 weeks nourishing my body, being as healthy as I could, and now I don't need to, now I can be as unhealthy and destructive as I like and it doesn't matter, I don't matter. I felt like such a failure, I couldn't even look after my own baby before it was born, what kind of mother would I have been.

Since then I've been declining slowly more and more into my disordered way of thinking. I've not really tried to fight it. I quit work because I couldn't cope with college and work, and I just didn't care anymore, and some part of me regrets it for being such a failure for not being able to do both, another part of me knows that its for the best so I can concentrate on doing what I really want in life, and a big part of me is excited to finish so that I can have more time to put into my disordered ways. I'm scared of that part. And I'm scared of what's coming next. I wish I had people to talk to.

Distraction!

Arghhh, I really wanted to make a youtube video but I cant seem to get my webcam to work, even though it's in my laptop it said it was being used elsewhere :-S weird but I'm too tired to try and work out what's wrong. I'm basically just desperately trying to stop myself from bingeing, I've done okish today but the bf is on overtime until 4am and I finished at midnight so now I'm just sat in the house on my own knowing that I just want to stuff myself until I stop feeling everything and it all just becomes a blur.

I'm so tired, I wish I could just go to bed but I just cant bring myself to do it. I want to work out but I'm so tired I can barely move and that automatically makes me feel like a failure, that little voice in my head telling me I'm worthless, disgusting and fat for not even being able to drag my lazy arse up and work out. I just really want a bit of peace. It's so fricking cold too, and I really need to save money so I'm trying not to put the heating on too much, and it's like minus 3. Totally just going to get into bed with all my clothes on in a minute. Probably be the best move tbh!

Night x

A lovely weekend.

I've had an absolutely lovely weekend, the weather was (and still is) absolutely gorgeous.As I said in my last post, me and the bf went to stay in a hotel on the docks just to get away and chill out for the night. It was lovely, we got there about half 3 and we'd paid a bit extra for a room with a view of the Mersey and so we lay on the bed and watched the sun go down over the river and all the pretty lights start to come on. We also had an excellent view of the Liver building. Even though I've lived in Liverpool for 6 years now, I still going and looking at it like a tourist, there's so many beautiful buildings and places if you just stop and look for a minute. Some of it is overwhelmingly beautiful.

We chilled out in the room for a bit, just watching tv and taking advantage of the facilities, and then we got dressed and decided to go out and treat ourselves so we went to a rather expensive cocktail bar called Alma de Cuba. I've never been before but they had the most amazing concotions, and I treated myself to two, even though I did feel a bit fuzzy headed afterwards. It was lovely to just relax and not have to worry about anything, and I tried desperately to hold onto that feeling when we went for dinner, but the anxiety started to creep in. Overall I think I did pretty well to keep things under control.

The night at the hotel wasn't completely anxiety free also unfortunately. I have no idea why anyone would think it was a good idea, but in the bathroom there was this long wet room which at one end had an amazing rainfall shower (I want one!) but at the other end had a full length mirror. I was pretty horrified and it was so hard to just enjoy the lovely shower, although fortunately the mirror did mist up pretty quickly. The whole room seemed to be so full of mirrors though, probably to make it look bigger but I counted six mirrors in the room, 3 of which were full length. I hate looking at myself at the best of times, and I feel like I've put on so much weight recently, so it felt pretty horrible, but for the most part I managed to avoid catching a look at myself when I wasn't expecting it.

Overall, I did love, love, love this weekend. It was so relaxing, and it was so cold and crisp and lovely. It's below freezing but its crystal clear, I love the weather when it's like this. It's back to reality today, BUT it's my last week in work this week!!! It's really scary, but I know that it'll give me sooooo much more time to focus on myself, and to work so hard on all the things I want to do, to get a little closer to my dream.

On the way to the hotel, smiling weirdly!

 

View from the window as the sun is going down.

Mersey and the Liver building.

Me and the bf watching the sunset, aaawwwww :-)

Lovely sky!

This was meant to be a picture of the room but I was very excited!

Nervous habits, and can I have a day off? Please?

I wish I didn't have nervous habits. It's Saturday evening and I'm sat here on the sofa, feet up on the bf's lap, listening to Placebo, in my pjs and generally just feeling so relaxed, and I'm still picking the shit out of my thumbs, and I don't even know why. I started picking the skin around my fingers and thumbs when I was quite young, probably about 9 or 10. I'd pick them til they bled and even if I put plasters on them, I'd pick the plasters off.

It started as a nervous habit that would calm me down before I went to school, or when I was in uncomfortable situationsand no matter how hard I try, I've not been able to kick the habit for the last 12 or so years. I've managed to get it down to just the thumbs, but I still pick them until they bleed. My bf hates it, and he's tried to help me stop, be so far nothing works. I work with my hands all day so I don't even know when I get chance to do it. It's got to the point where I don't even realise I'm doing it anymore, so it's almost impossible to stop, and a big part of me doesn't want to. It still calms me down, I just wish I didn't do it all the time.

We're going to stay in a hotel tomorrow night, just in town to get away from being in the house and to chill out in luxury for a few hours. I can't wait, I need to just forget about everything and kick back for a little bit. I'm tired of everything being a struggle all the time, so I'm going to try and shove all the crap to the back of my mind for a while and enjoy myself. Some part of me already knows this wont work, and what is more likely to happen is that I'll end up having some sort of emotional melt down, I feel like they're coming every few days at the moment, I'm desperately trying to deal with everything, but it's so difficult, and I just don't even have the time to try and come to terms with everything that has happened recently. I need to talk to someone not involved, maybe I should go back to therapy, but I don't want to have to start again with all that, plus there's always such a long waiting list. I wish I had closer friends, I wish I found it easier to make friends, I wish I wasn't so socially awkward and anxiety ridden all the fricking time. Ugh, this post is turning into such a scattered one, but my mind feels so scattered. I need a break, a holiday or something, I need to find a healthier way of dealing with how much the last few month's events have hurt me rather than slipping back into my eating disorder. It feels too easy, but I know how hard it is to claw my way out of it again. I'm just so tired of fighting everything every single day. I just want a day off, just one day. Please?

A long day.

Ugh, food. Food, food, food. I hate that it's everything, it's absolutely fucking everything. As I sit here I'm watching Masterchef, I've made food for myself which I've picked apart and is sitting next to me on the sofa, I know that there's so many things that in the kitchen that if I cave even for a second I'm going to end up shoving in my face.

I was doing well, I was doing so well. I'd lost weight, and I didn't even mean to, I'd just been so busy working and going to college and trying to set up a business and maintaining a relationship, friendship, family commitments, it was just so much and I felt like I was eating a lot but the weight just dropped off. At first when I realised how much my weight had dropped it triggered something within me and the old feelings flared up, I thought 'I haven't even been trying, how much weight could I lose if I actually tried!'. This was just before Christmas and for a few weeks I starved and I dropped, and then it was the holidays and I caved. It's a stressful food time for everyone, and even more so now I was having a tough time, and I totally and completely caved. Food, food, food. I told myself it's just be a few days over Christmas, but now its January 13th and I still cant stop. I cant stop shoving food into my face, and I feel like such a fucking fat bitch. I keep trying on these shorts and jeans that I hadn't been able to fit into for years before this last weight drop, and they still fit fine, and yet I still feel MASSIVE. What the hell is wrong with my brain? Why is it incapable of rational thinking?

Today has been so long, not as long as it usually would be though. I was in college 9am til 4pm and literally did not have a break. Ironically I'm doing baking and cake decoration (that's a whooooole other post with how that ties into my ED) and Fridays are always just hectic on college. We make produce for the bakery shop downstairs and its just crazy to get all the bread and cakes out on time, and then I had to go work on written assigments over my lunch break, and then it was 3 hours of cake decoration in the afternoon. Usually I'd have to go straight from college to work for a 7 hour shift that finishes at midnight, but I'd booked today off and I'm sooooooo glad I did! I'm exhausted, I feel like I just didn't get a break over Christmas to reco-operate from all of the shit things that happened at the end of last year (again, another post) and I just want a break.

Tonight has been nice just having the house to myself, my bf is at work until midnight, but I'm still sooooo looking forward to him coming home and we can start our weekend, also, I dont binge when he's in the house so that's a big plus, I can eat without feeling guilty. We're getting away just for the night this weekend which I'm very much looking forward to. I think we both need it!